am i losing to the cynic after running for so long?

Could I talk to You?
Are You listening?
Would You let me ask the questions
That burn inside of me?
I am reaching out
I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections
But not quite like I belong
Like I belong
I am numb today
Everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny
Too little to be sure
Like a prodigal
Like a distant son
I can see You from a distance
But I'm too ashamed to come.

I'm quoting Ian here a)because this is good stuff, b)because it's what he's learning in Costa Rica and i'm excited about that, and c)because i agree with alot of it.. alot.

i hope he's okay with it. ohwell!

"so i guess my devotional wasn't really on forgiveness like i had planned it to be. it ended up being more of a how emotions affect our fatih and walk with Christ. I felt like i should mention how people seem to many times confuse emotional involvement with the feeling of God's presence. or how we will mistake emotion for an infilling of the holy spirit. Not that emotions don't follow these things, it's just that there are times when we will just seem to lack emotion, but that doesn't mean God isn't working in and around us. It doesn't mean that he has left us. our faith, our lives, are based around decisions. It's what we decide to do, not how we feel about it. just like forgiveness isn't being happy with someone. you can still be angry and forgive. the managing of emotions is a tricky thing. many people tend to slowly burry them for reasons unknown to them, or just other reasons in general. some don't even know they've done it. as we grow and mature into adults, in men especially, there is a natural tendency to close yourself off from your emotions. and learning now that emotions are necessary, not always good, but not always bad either- it's just- God created us with emotions. He has a purpose for them. While emotions at times can overtake us and cloud our judgement. sometimes emotions are needed in order to make a good decision. sometimes emotions are needed to inspire us spiritually. they can be used for motivation, for reconciliation, for encouragement, for community." Anyways, that was the big thing for today. it's now 11:30 here and i'm exhausted."


praying for you friend. miss youu.

throw caution to the wind.

I've given up on not feeling.
It's sort of scary when I think about it.

I also don't really mind at all.
He's incredible.

rough dates

OHkay here we go.
time to get stoked.

July
4-10 - kathaumixw
11-16 - [Qwanoes]
18-31 - Shuswap

August
4-11 - Quebec/Nova Scotia trip
15-21 - [Qwanoes]
22-4 - Gulf islands

my life is up in the air.

Yeah, it's been a minute my friend
And you and I, we never thought it would end
But when we stopped to pause and opened the doors
There's some dreams that were put down deep in my heart
But hey, I'm always thinking of you
And I can see your influence in the things that I do
Think and thin, forever my friend
Cause there's a vine that was put down deep in our hearts

Well I'm wonderin' bout the road ahead of me,
Wonderin' bout the things you said to me,
Wonderin' if these dreams will ever do.
And I'm wonderin' bout the way I spend my days,
Wonderin' if it's even worth the chase,
Wonderin' if there's still a need from you.

We didn't know what to do
You were looking at me and I was looking at you
We were thinkin' it odd but we were thanking our God
For the hope that He put down deep in our hearts
And hey, if I could turn back time
I wouldn't touch a day I wouldn't shade the shine
Cause I do know this,
I won't be remiss with the memories locked away in my heart

Tonight I found the joy of the Bible again. It hasn't been such a breath of life and direction since summer.
How mindblowing His love is!

i miss my wakeboard.

our laces double knotted cause we've got enough in this world to trip on.

[i don't know what to do about tomorrow night.
i'm seriously considering crapping out.
and staying home and reading my bible.
i don't have the energy to be thirteen anymore.]

well it's march.
i'm still me. :)

i definitely can't do this for much longer. as much as i love getting up at 7.
we're all just trying to make it to spring break, i think, and i'm so stoked that i have the same week off as other people.. for the first time, probably ever.

today Merrick realized that we're graduating in three months. apparently the thought had not occurred to him before.
to be honest, i always forget. it's not like the thought is keeping me going.. it doesn't feel like this year will end high school for good unless i think about it
it's weird - I'm really going to miss it and at the same time i know i really won't. well. I'll definitely miss these friends I'm with and a few teachers and having a chill course load.
it's so unfortunate that the general school experience is so grueling and disheartening.
I've worked for 13 years to get here, and in three months I'll be free of it.

i probably don't think about it because i have no idea where I'll be once I am free of it.

dismantle me down (repair)

i'm tired.
i should be doing something productive right now
like the homework from any of my three classes which i left until this morning because i felt this way all weekend.
but now on top of feeling lazy, i feel discouraged - like this hill is far to high to climb.
i don't know what to do with the line between conviction and enemy-induced guilt, or the line between the strength i've built around my heart as protection from the world and the strength i am given in the shadow of His wings.
is it okay to give up sometimes?
..i hope this is pms.

"don't you know He holds the answers in His hands?"

someone tell me where it says God is always speaking, we're just too busy or too noisy to hear him..?

I think I'm afraid to sleep.

give me a chance to hold on, give me something to hold onto.

once the end of the week gets here i'm running on vitamin D, four hours of sleep and i'm 'wishing you were here.' why is everything so crazy...

anyone just want to come to my house and sit with me [and preferably not mind if i don't say anything] this friday afternoon?

i'm being serious, i promise.

it won't be long.

Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath.

forget the past cause you cannot erase it.

it seems like every time i read something, i like it a little more.
mostly things a year or two old.

"a prelude to spring"

You’re causing this aching in my chest
My heart is
My heart was cold
What causes my best intentions?
I can’t think
Your words have regard for mine
My Lord is
My strength not situational
What is time along this line of life?

you make me happy.

Youre breathing in, the highs and lows, we call it living. It's no accident we're here tonight.

What a day.
Though I'm legally unable to say what happened today (haha vanoc will sue me), it was kindof crazy. Obviously not as epic as the olympic opening ceremonies, but it was sweet to just be there and hang out with some of the greatest people ever.


And even the rain can't touch me now.



Ps.
All I want to do is talk to you... But you're probably sleeping. and I should be sleeping.
Goodnight paralympic day one :)

Read carefully the following poem by Emily Dickinson. Then write an essay in which you describe the speaker's attitude toward the woman's death. Using specific references to the text, show how the use of language reveals the speaker's attitude.

The last Night that She lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying—this to Us
Made Nature different

We noticed smallest things—
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized—as 'twere

As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame

That Others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite—

We waited while She passed—
It was a narrow time—
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.

She mentioned, and forgot—
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce—
Consented, and was dead—

And We—We placed the Hair—
And drew the Head erect—
And then an awful leisure was
Belief to regulate—


anyone have ideas about what Emily Dickinson's attitude was? haha i don't know, she's dead.

levels of light

What is time along this line of life?

With all of this weariness, can we shine like you?

"there's power in vulnerability, [because of the accountability that comes with it.]"

Such an incredible weekend.
I am sort of at a loss for words about it. I don't know if words will suffice.
There was so much of heaven on earth.
Talking on the bus ride back and singing with hana in the other shower and then talking till 2 or 3 am and the crazy accoustic worship sesh on the last night, and hearing Transit live.. And hanging out with the Surrey cits. (So sick!)
And the changed lives (foreal) and being able to worship with the moshing and ryan not saying 'you're amazing, you're so amazing' over and over. I was so thankful that he did the five-session-sermon-list with that much honesty and it wasn't so post-modern and full of unnecessary feeling crap.
It brought up more unresolved things to take home in my mind/heart but that's life. Jon addressed and put words to things I've battled to make sense of, and there were times I couldn't have wanted to be alone more, but the friendships built were beyond worth it.
I can't grasp how opposite it was from last year, and I'm so thankful that it was. I'm so thankful.

I wish family groups were small group.
I had forgotten what coming home from YC and then going back to youth was like. My youth has never felt more like family.
[The joy of the Lord will always be our strength.]

..'come down now,' but we'll stay...

it's been a crazy, crazy week to be sure.. mostly the stress of school, the stress of trying to find time to do other things while having so much school work to do, and the stress of not having time to try to find time to do any of that.

but stress, i'm sure, is created in your mind because looking back on this week, it went so fast and slow (which is so much better than just slow) and everything fit into it, and though i didn't sleep much it's sunny out and everything's alright.

and youth conference is tomorrow! i'm pretty sure i'm supposed to be going because of how everything fell into place (/fell out of place) and how i felt about being able to after the cruise was cancelled and whatever... and i'm stoked for everything it will entail.
and going there okay and healthy and stuff is more of a blessing than i can get my head around.

the week of english lit i missed is going to kill me, but it's okay.

stoked; stoked on life.

just let me run where i want to run.

lose your head just for your heart?


Holding nothing tight, holding nothing tight
With my eyes so wide

And I'll slip out a back door
I was looking for a fire escape
And I'll be rippin' up the floorboards
Just trying to get away
From this sleeplessness

hello, i'm in delaware

My body aches,
and it hurts to sing,
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight,
but this is my life.

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now.

holding on with, red eyes

Saturday, April 18, 2009

you had me biting my lip.
through you i learned that time, no matter when, or how or why,
always teaches you how to move on.
you had me crying.
whether it was justified or not, you were worth tears to me,
you were worth sacrificing sleep, and sanity.
you left me shaking.
i left you just fine.




Monday, April 27, 2009

What the crap.
I can't escape the cage that you've put me in, just so you don't have to worry about another thing being messy instead of dealing with it in your heart like you should and finding the balance in your mind and learning instead of leaving me here gagged and bound.
I have things to say, and I'll somehow find my voice for the conversation..




Sunday, May 10, 2009
when you're left alone to wonder how it is, someone opens and shuts the door

caring is far too hard and painful, but apathy never helped anything.
Joel was right. i don't know what i want.




Wednesday, June 03, 2009
a face faire

Some things are harder to face than others.
Truth.
This is hard to face.
Truth.
I'm good at being sensible.
Lie.

I'm facing now, that we're not friends, or good friends, or the great friends I thought we were.
Your intentions weren't what I thought they were, and I'm giving up after so many horribly failed attempts at friendship, being there for you, and getting myself better.


In reality, you don't care.
I can't believe anything you say otherwhise,
And it hurts to much to be friends but not really at all. Or turning it on and off.
I can't do it. I trusted you with far too much.
..Truth.


I am indespensable.
lie.




Sunday, May 24, 2009

crumble like a cracker
or fall like a leaf,
but the hole in my soul's been
filled underneath.




Thursday, September 10, 2009
the lining is silver

did you read any of this?
it's mostly about you.
and its really done.
i'm pressing on.







..in reality, sht happens. this is only one story weaved through the song of our lives.

(hehhe so clever. www.xanga.com/thestoryandthesong)

i guess this is testament to the strength that comes with just a desire to live. not even in those circumstances. just the hope of something better.
and how screaming and screaming into thin air and no one hearing it but God, a few whispers making their way across the interweb, is painful and bearable. and the story ended.