My thoughts all quit, thought about too much allowed them to touch the feelings that rained down

Why. Why?
Sometimes, I can't.. Make myself ignore the question. Sometimes the hurt surfaces, and sometimes, gaurds are let down just for them to be put back again.
What it boils down to is, I can't trust. Well, I can trust the lord, and I can trust the matress I'm sitting on has coils in it, but I cannot trust people. I can't trust and I can't lie so I don't talk.
And everyone wants to sound smart but I want the truth.
I want to know what to do to get where I need to be, and I'm tired of just thinking and thinking and never figuring anything out and never DOING anything.

It was just that kind of day.

Birthdays are dumb.
So is loneliness, and so are chickflicks.



I've been feeling like I'm not in my body a lot lately. Like I'm watching me move and I'm listening to me talk and I'm on the other side of the tv screen.
I used to feel this way when I was younger, like 10 or 11. When I didn't feel very deeply or very often.
And then it sort of goes away.
I don't like it.

this would never happen here.

but i'll stand if you want me to.

the days been long
but the roads been hard
you keep putting me back
in perspective

we were young and free
the load is heavy now
there's no time to sit, be
reflective
we were young! my friend
it was long ago
and if anything happened
it would never show
on our faces
worn down by the pain
the stress, the hopes we
reached for then.

where did they go.

Would you mind if I pretended

we were somewhere else,

doing something we wanted to,

'Cause all this living makes me wanna do,

is die because I can't live with you,

and you don't even care.

Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else,

with courage in love and war.

I use to think that's what I was,

but now this lying hurts to much,

and I don't know what for.

this week has been crazy.

youth on wednesday was sweet.
it was good to hang out with people again (josh lim! and a random appearance by josh milad, and my small group, especially.)
steve schultz tracked me down afterwards and told me he wanted me on the team.
so i'm going to practice next week.
ahh.

we'll see how it goes?



i'm on grad council.
i'm taking way too much.
i don't know how i'm going to survive when we get to midterms. i don't like any of my classes except english.
i don't know why i'm taking any of it. i'm pretty sure i have far too many credits.
all i go for is english twice a week, andrew/ian/joel, and the random, portable jam sessions.

rebecca called me randomly last night while i was out. it was so sweet to talk to her and begin the plans for gatherings and be reminded that i wasn't alone while away from that community.

OH and tasha got me saved by the bell season 1 and 2.
i'm so stoked:)

"it's nothing in particular."

when i barely knew Geoff he told me to, as soon as i had the inspiration, write poetry.
at the time, i was blown away that of the 15 of us he was working with at the time, he chose to tell me that, and even more so, that i hadn't had inspiration to write poetry in months.

the last time i wrote poetry was that weekend.


they're called dry tears
'cause i've taken to crying the shower,
just because i'm messy inside
doesn't limit your power,
you said 'i'll die for her here, because
i love her'
and i'm not bitter anymore, i'm not bitter.

everything will change, things will never be the same, we will never be the same.

i feel like jumping on a sailboat RIGHT NOW.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to meet people and jump into a lake off a boat and throw and catch a rope.

i want the smell of the ocean.

i can feel the adrenaline of hiking across the grey with the keel showing and jen screaming as we all get soaked and the sail empties and fills again.

i'm coming to terms pretty slowly. sometimes i can be okay that it's leaving for ten months and some things are leaving forever, but most of the time i can't convince myself.

let's do it.

two things.

1. i'm wondering at where i'll be in six months.
just that. i always feel like i'm pushing forward so hard and growing so little, and then when i look back i'm blown away.


2. jen wanted something i'd drawn the other day in order to impress one of her friends that's into that stuff.
i let her look through my stuff.
she asked me why i didn't draw anymore. i couldn't tell her. why does one stop playing with darkness and light on paper? why does one start?
i'm going to start, again.
or. well. i want to start again. but who knows if i actually will. it would be sweet, anyways.

I know this is my third post of the night, but this is the easiest medium for getting this out.


I don't know why, and I've given up on anything related to figuring it out, but you hurt me so deep. So, so horribly often.
It's SO hard for me to trust in the first place and now I can't actually, logically figure out why I did. And I don't think I ever will.

These are the last tears I'll waste on you, I promise.

drawn to redempion by the grace in His eyes.

to be honest,
i don't know what to say.
i don't know where to start or end.

but i'm disloyal and i'm dumb and i forget things i shouldn't, ever, especially accounting for the things i've experienced.
i'm just sorry. i'm so sorry.

"perhaps we could try this again."
i love you desperately.

i still have junk to work through, i have things to cry out. i have things to write out.
i need you with me as i do those things. i need you to provide me with hope as i face the hopeless. as i battle myself, when i fight the cold.
i'm only so independent.

i know i am filled to be emptied again,
but when all that is in me runs dry,
my God is the God who provides.

how are so many professors promoting marxism in a country like america? can you say you're democratic with so much junk flying under the radar?
seriously.

how much am i actually up against?
i'm not trying to convert anybody. it's just hard to imagine how someone could get to that point.
i thought it was popular to be agnostic, but whatever..

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced, another sun-soaked season fades away.

we are so far from home.

and if i try my best, i still can't find a way to let it go.

it's like trying really hard to fall asleep (which I've been doing far too often lately) or listening to the phone ring on the other line for ages but no one picking up. or like wanting to cry so bad for no good reason and realizing it's nowhere near PMS time.

it's like your heart having too many words for your mind to process and your mouth to form.




it's like just realizing you were in denial.




at least Adam Con is coming sometime, and I'll be at another festival in a year and young adults is starting up and this winter will undoubtedly leave me the lowest i've ever been..

no one cares to talk about it, so can we talk about it?

it seems to me like everybody's just pulling the things that reflect themselves from others and displaying those things, and the connections keep getting more complicated and there are lines between nothing where there should be, and our selfishness is pulling lines where they shouldnt be at all, it's drawing walls we feel we need, and it's annoying and frustrating and i don't see why i should have to be continually adapting or whatever.


then things like suicide are pressed into me and i forget everything and i realize i prefer painful perspective than selfish pain.

the sickness is myself.

i feel like i've been backed into a corner on this one.

i hate a few things, but losing male friends over feelings is one of the biggest ones. always.
i know we've all had feelings for someone and then ran with them, but i've never understood the girl who wants a boyfriend in highschool for logic reasons. not that being irresponsible is great either, but you know what i mean. hopefully.

most of my life i feel completely unattractive and the rest is split into being caught up in pointless emotion and wanting to run from it all completely.

it's all dumb.
i just want escape. i don't want to deal with it. i don't want it like this.
i can't ignore it and i can't act on it. whether i want to do either or not..

i don't know where this all even leaves me.

I need you so much closer.

This weekend:
Journal
Math assignment.
Clean room.
Clean van.
Clean clothes.
Sleep in
CP journal thing(?)
Ecclesiastes
Wear cut offs.
Don't wear shoes.
Tim tams.
Mail letter.
Reply facebook (ugh)
Postsecret.
Message carrie re email list
Pre order
Grad council?
eBay for converse.
Youth retreat Q
sigh.

you'll never know, what it's like to have to face the fact you might let go.

on one hand, school really sucks. i want to be anywhere else most of the time, and my brain doesn't work properly and everything feels jumbled in me and it's impossible to make enough sense of anything in order to produce words. probably mostly because of lack of sleep and non-compliance.
and on the other, i realize I'm getting a bit caught up in this and I'd forgotten about the sweet things that are sure to happen this year- the things I'll witness in my school and in people's lives - how God's going to move and how he'll grow me.


and the first couple days of rain killed me, but it won't rain forever.
and trying not to miss or think about qwanoes family was never something i wanted to do, but i don't know anything else.

ps. in the past couple days you've managed to add more 'whys' to my ever growing list.. though i never expected or imagined that you would.
i miss how you were last year.
and I'm trying to convince myself the space is good, but i don't want it.


yeah i know there's time. but it feels like schools been going for a good five months already. i can't figure out why my brain isn't going to normal school mode and i feel like i didn't pace myself at all or something. i wish i could explain it. and i wish i could explain it to you most of all.

"meaning is not in words. meaning is in people"

Why do I feel the weight of words so insistently pushing through my fingers?
What are your words doing to my mind?
I'm positive this isn't supposed to be happening. Not anymore, anyways.

Which is what completely scares me.

are you there or are you just a decoy dream?

do not lose heart;
we were made for these times.

your stitches are all out, but your scars are healing wrong.

i'm 100 percent sure i can't do this.

wearing a coat.
and wearing shoes!
i'm going to die.
who needs shoes? who needs to memorize things (things soon forgotten) for a grade that's only there to get you well out of secondary education?
who needs it?
i don't care if we have to be a literate country. this is dumb.

and still, i'll be going. it'll be masked with the feeling of newness - crisp kilts and another haircut and more challenges amidst the reassuring, and a camping trip and a musical, and underneath it'll be hell.
and i'll still be going.

try it again - breathing's just a rhythm.

please note:

miss you.

woww i don't know what to say - i have some junk internet and there are better things to do, but i feel like i should say something.


i finished counseling juniors/the third week of cit and left right from the dock straight to cowichan bay marina and from there we went to sidney spit and from there we came to poets cove..

it's been the best summer of my life, without any doubt.
it's been an incredible month. regardless of whether i've been living out of my duffel bag for the last five weeks or not.
im trying not to think about how much i miss everyone, and how much i miss individual people..
and how much i'm going to miss people as we all head to school and get caught up in seperate things, and as winter comes.
i can't even understand this ending. i'm dreading the cold so much.
i'm sitting in the "favorite" marina on [south]pender island reminiscing (two years ago feels like yesterday now) and i'm sure leaving a second time will be more painful.
i'm probably a mess.

of boat hair
and too much time to think.