it's just a lyrical lie.

it was a good sunday, i guess. it was a sunny sunday, so it was good.

but now i am facing the unnerving reality of spring coming, as opposed to just thinking about it and wishing to be out of the cold, and the possibility of feeling..
not feeling pain. or. you know. happiness or joy, or something.
the feeling that comes with listening to I Dont Wan't to Miss a Thing..

i feel trapped here, because there are things running through my mind that i would love to type out, but i don't know the words, and the ones i could verbalize- i can't put them into this box. i dont know the right way to say them without

see. i can't put it here.
i'm not really sure why not either. i've obviously set unconscious boundaries..

this is a bit weird now. it isnt writers block. i've just

augh. shoot.
[brett said that you say shoot when you drop something or forget your lunch at home. i don't think this is the right time to say shoot.]
[joel would say 'dont!']




i wish people would comment on this. i wish i could tell more people i sometimes write bits of myself [bits that are usually really far into me, that i feel are healthy to have not so far down] onto the internet for them to judge me by and ask me about and that sort of thing. i wish people would tell me what they'd like me to write about. that would be easier.
well.
i dont really wish that. it would just be easier.

i'm just sad. i'm still sad.

i'm sorry this post is really all over the place. i dont even know why i'm posting it.
probably so one day when i'm reading through old posts i'll see it and i'll react in something other than apathy.

Something beautiful

the sky IS blue right now.

last night was fantastic. even though it was so loud i could feel my clothes vibrating on me.
-free, for now.

i promise i'll put some of my own soon. there's just too much applicable, effortless lyric.

I'm not sure why it always flows downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows... heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like you do...
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent 10 years trying to sing it all away,
but the water keeps on falling from my tries.

youth conference - afterthoughts.

this is quite a good place to be, i think - in front of the computer, listening to death cab for cutie and drinking bubble tea (though i can't say i'm a huge fan of taro. i haven't had it since like, grade 9 and thought i'd give it another go. i didnt like it much then either.)

i thought i'd blog some of my YC experiences, because i always end up on xanga/blogger when i feel a nostalgic mood coming on, and for the various other reasons i blog.

to be honest, i wasnt going with many expectations. last year was great in that i came back feeling much more a part of coquitlam alliance youth than ever, like i had a place to come back to with these people, that we all had each other in common. i met people there who i've become good friends with over the year, and i'm pretty sure those friendships wouldn't have come without youth conference. i can't say there was much of a spiritual part to the weekend, besides finding Jesus in community, in people's stories. and though mr. sid koop's sermons at qwanoes this new years were absolutely fantastic and resonant, there wasnt much challenge in what he had to say last march.

so, i was definitely going this year to have some good hang out seshes and catch up with people and take acouple pictures.
and i did do those things.

but i knew that the state in which i was going was not a right one. i was reading old journal entries the other night and one from a few weeks ago was me in very first stages of addressing the mess in my mind, trying to search through my heart and figure out what was going on and why i was how i was, and i wrote how i didnt even care what it was, and how i didnt think i could change it, and that i sort of just wanted to get it out, and let it go, even though i felt i was more like something that had rotted or rusted or been stained, that it was not something that i could just leave behind me and keep going.
it took three weeks from that point, approximately, to absolutely break, for me to allow myself to hurt, and hurt, and fight.

for some reason i was lucky enough for it to be in calgary, and on the way back, because no other time of year am i free of my house, and school and other everyday-life weight. and no other time of year am i surrounded at all times of the day with people from my church that for some reason love me at all times of the day

i actually dont know how to express my thanks. i thank the lord, whenever i think of it, for them. because they are teaching me how to love still, and they are reminding me who Jesus is, and a whole bunch of other little things.

i quite enjoyed andy and his sermons. the debrief saturday night with him was brilliant.

i'm just very glad i could face it, and i'm glad i have this week to sit around, and not do much and listen to alot of music and think and pray and write. i've been doing alot of that, and it's been good. but i havent talked very much, and i'm not sure if that is a good thing. youth last night was great though. i was hungry for the first time in a week or two yesterday.

the nights are hard though. i dont know. tuesday night was the hardest, and i tried very hard for many hours to think about anything but cutting. that was frightening because i haven't thought about it in months. it wasnt just that though. i really was tearing through a battle, sword in hand.
and still am.

i dont know how long it will take. and i'm praying about where to go after this battle.

So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now.

Maybe I've been the problem

Maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself

The outcome feels the same

I've been thinking 'bout everyone everyone,

you look so empty

But when I look at the stars,

When I look at the stars, I see someone else

When I look at the stars,

I feel like myself.

I never wanted you,
I never wanted you to go..

There’s a voice inside your soul

That resonates through your skin and bone,

Up through the blades of grass,

Underneath the feet of God’s only son.

The war that you’re fighting

Has already been won.

I just want to survive with you by my side.

With you by my side, I just want to survive.

Crooked mouth, quiet down.

Let your fists come undone.

Miscarried love will be reborn.

When we sleep, The devil’s arms are tied.

The war that we’re fighting, has already been won…

as my heart turns violently in my chest.

i think i let you too close


no, no.
i definitely have.

a coma might feel better, than this.

unload.

unwind.
rewind.
enough.

walls.

still stoking my heart, still stirring my head.

yeah, so i forgot to get back to this.
and then i left , and got reallyreally sick, and then pretty much got better the next night, and then came back again.
shuswap is still in the middle of winter, and huge parts of the lake were frozen over, and it snowed like, every day. there was 2 and a half feet.. so we couldnt get down the driveway, so we were unloading the car from the top of the hill and trying not to go flying down the snowbank in the dark.



after much introspection, i might have figured it out?
and i might blog about it. when i'm not so tired, and when my mind isnt a jumble of public transit plans.

we dont have to wait until the end of the night.

laura: dont forget to get back to this.

well. wow.
i'm pretty zonked, after last night.
i couldn't fall asleep, again. but i think that was just a 'too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep' situation, plus i was still strung out on overtired-adrenaline.

i think the outdoor show was great. definitely way too many good times for that little lake to handle.
the 1am was interresting. there was some sort of crazy drum circle at midnight, and i went down with some boys to check it out after our quick sound check at 12:30, and it was fairly insane...
but the highlights of the night were still sitting with scott and heather in a change room talking and watching the artsy looking people walk by, holding hands wondering how long it would be until i'd get to be a part of that bit of music again, and finding that matthew and cam had indeed come.

OH and carrie turning around after most song introductions and saying 'wake up!'.

i think i like where i'm standing, i think i hate it too.

i'm back, after a brief trip to the edge of one of my cliffs.
it was a terrifying experience. i'm not sure if i'm steady enough on my feet yet.
but i'm sure that i'm doing this one alone.
im shoving the one that always cares and always knows away and i don't mind that no one else really knows or inquires.
that's almost scarier than the vertigo.
i'm in way too vulnerable of a position. i need someone. i want consistency.




"All the things I knew before, I need something to fight for
Talk it out, all these hours, almost every day
Still you fill my lungs
Until I've unlearned everything, except to trust
I can't if I'm too afraid of love and pain (Is that so wrong?)
Tell me that I'm gaining something."

i only hope you realize,

but i guess,

its march third. ITS FREAKING MARCH THIRD, and the sun is here, and i'm making cookies.

.. i ran out of things to blog about.

i'm afraid i've normaled out abit.. (besides my random insomnia.)

in fact, i'm probably pretty lame.

and i cant make it to potters till next week. :(

AND i'm listening to taylor swift.. and no one reads this.

..what are things coming to?

AND.. i'm just misusing coordinating conjunctions.

and the northern sky looked like the end of day

i thought about the ocean for a long time last night.
way longer than i should have.

sometimes i think i would die without my memory, and sometimes i think i will die because of it.