[written]12/22/08 [edited]today. (My Subconscious Just Messaged In.)

i was fabricating walls of pain,

to see if you wanted me

beside you enough

to attempt pushing them down.

because everyone's selfish.

especially me.

they weren't perfect walls. let me tell you,

they were so restricting.

if i was crying, it was for freedom, from myself.

i've got the, best of interventions.

the air in your lungs is there for a reason.

"You. It's about you. This is for you. It's crap unless it moves you, crap unless it connects with your story, meets you in your pain, reminds you of your dreams, reminds you what's possible.

We're still alive, you see. You and i on this night that's never happened before. Spread out across a giant circle, winter on one side and summer on the other, day and night the same. And then it moves and turns and changes. Things are always changing.

Don't give up. Don't give up on your story. Don't give up on the people you love. Hope is real. Love is real. It's all worth fighting for."

sad that you could be, so lovely and, so wrong.

why the hell is it so enticing.

and it most certainly is hell, i believe. its painful regardless, and whether or not its lonely does not depend on whether or not i am attached, and its always suffocating.

but ohhman. from here, it looks like the best thing in the world.

i hate being a teenager.

let my heart be

the part by which you judge me.

you do not faint, you wont grow weary.

i grow faint.
and weary.


i'm tired of feeling like



acting like.
feeling like i have to act like a fake.



i'm tired of crying
when i clearly shouldnt.
and everything, feeling like a huge effort.






goodbye.

"the lyrics kept going, you know"

9 months later, i remember everything like a dream - like something that i didnt actually experience, just something that happened in my head.

but i know that i did, in fact, experience it as i watch a video of a worship leader yelling for teenagers to stop their jumping in confusion, followed by bodies dissapearing into black, because my heart pounds harder with each drum beat of the worship leader's song.

"It was like a pile of wreckage, bodies laying everywhere, people running and scattering," he said. "And then there was rescue people down there trying to rescue people from under the rigging and the pews."
Rob Neiman

and thats what it was. past the video, and for hours afterwards, it was a pile of bodies, people running, rescue, tears, violent shaking, blood-covered arms, legs, faces, and the frantic wails of sirens.

and more beauty in the broken than i have ever experienced in my life. more prayer, more raw faith, more encouragement, and more love than i have ever seen and felt.

i wrote a long thank-you letter of sorts after i had worked through most of it. i meant to put it up.. and then forgot i was going to do that, until the other day when my sister used one of the news articles about it in an english project.

i wrote these out in the order i experienced them.

First of all, i'd like to thank you, boy who somehow knew where the exit was in the central heights church basement.
thank you, whoever it was that must have come in contact with my arm, my head. i learned more than i thought possible through physical pain.
thank you dad, for knowing when to stop asking questions, for waiting hours with me without asking questions, but being very reassuring and comforting.
thank you, drunk boy at midnight, i wont forget your wounds or your friend's patience and collected kindness.
thank you x-ray-nurse, for putting up with me. i am sure my shivering body, scratched and swollen, my numb mind, my resulting non-compliance and my struggling to remain conscious were nothing new for you, but they would have gotten on my nerves, if i were you.
thank you jocelyn fortin, and mrs. fortin, for your encouragement and optimism somewhere between midnight and one, which got me through another hour. thinking about it now, that was truly remarkable.
thank you matthew newton, for proving to me that my friends would care if i died or fell off the face of the earth. that, your texts all night, and your continued support weeks afterwards were more encouragement and meant more to me than you will possibly ever know/realize.
(no thanks to the doctors at eagle ridge, who, though they were very nice, could never seem to figure my bones out.)


because of these people, i survived that night and am more alive today.
they gave me reason to put on a brave face and a brave heart.

i guess its up to me to find a way to get to you.

well. i dont have words to properly express the feeling most prevalant in me.
i dont know. i'm not sure really why i go to youth every week.
well.
i go to hang out with a few people who i definitely dont see enough, and for the music-worship. (because when you're pumping worship music out of yourself every other day for hours and its a challenge a lot of the time.. its just good to sing to a guitar and not worry about how you sound.) but these weeks, i find myself coming in each wednesday, entering conversation somewhere between happiness and trying to find energy to make (sometimes) meaningless conversation, or sadness and trying to find energy for the same conversations.

(i got kicked off the computer here acouple nights ago.
i'll continue.)

basically, nothing is coming of it. youth is nearly as hard as everydaylife. shouldnt it be safe? not safe like, i'm comfortable crying there, safe like, i know i'm surrounded by people who care about me and who i care about and there we can be challenged and strengthened?

youth used to be like, a quick high where i could get caught up in bass vibrations and cute boys. i definitely did meet jesus there, but i didnt feel like i could, or thought i couldnt feel him that evidently without the mix of thundering worship and feeling overwhelmed, because this was something i was so not used to, and so far from my every day situation.
i'm not saying what i felt there wasnt real.. but it was like i never tried or wanted to worship or learn or be pushed or anything outside of youth.. because i could nearly die at school on wednesday, pull myself through the front door of the church that night, get my quick fix again, and then go to school thursday to get a bit worse, and a bit worse, until the next wednesday, and weeks would repeat this way, and i didnt even realize it wasnt good.

i dont want that again. but i dont want this either.
i know its better than some places.. like i go to northside to hang out with joel, andrew and ian. seriously.
northside is very game-oriented. and i havent heard their youth pastor go much deeper than "you should read your bible". (keeping in mind.. i havent gone too many times, and i missed their once-a-month small group sesh last month)

i just hope that kristie's idea is really brilliant, and considering the amount of excitement talking about it brought.. im not too worried.

i'm done asking why, i'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

Do i have to scream for you to hear me?

you're enough.
i just hate waiting.

for a time i thought, there was a thief among us..

And I found a back up plan,

I'm grateful that I didn't have to use it,

But it's made of real good friends

Bon Voyage

Isn't it nice to know,

That the lining is silver.

Isn't it nice to know,

That we're golden

Yeah we're golden

Oh when it all falls apart

and you can't see

the forest for the symmetries,

Isn't it nice to, isn't it nice to know..

I found a love in me

I always somehow knew that it existed

It just needed to be set free

Bon Voyage

I can't believe what is in front of me,

The water's rising up to my knees,
And I can't figure out,
How the hell I wound up here..
Everything seemed okay when I started out the, other day,
Then the rain came pouring down
And now I'm drowning in my fears.
And as I watch the setting sun,
I wonder if I'm the only one..


hello brutality.
hello hope.
you come at once fairly regularly. at least you come together.
i'll keep waiting. i guess i just have to choose whether i wait patiently or not, because either i wait, or i cease to exist.

water fills my lungs, as i begin to drown.

wow. it took you like.. a week and a half for happiness to return?
how is it so easy for you?

i guess it was my fault when i wasn't, so wrapped up in my miserable existences.
or maybe some people are meant to stay on the floor a while longer because its there we are healed.
but for how long should we be broken? how many times? how grueling are the looming battles that we need to be strengthened again and again in order to survive each one?

why don't you say what you mean?

well. right now i feel like pulling my journal and a dr pepper out and getting as close to joy as possible in this situation.

why am i so freaking FREAKING damageable.
tonight, i dont know why i strive for vulnerability and trust and transparency.

frick. chapel today was fantastic. and becky just sent me a facebook message, and i'm acting like such a victim.

goodnight.

shake it off, laura.
you're strong.
shake it off, step up.

i'll get out. i will sleep tonight.

its just the way we know to act.

i am very tired, but there is too much in me.
i hate crying while typing. frick. its so much harder. and i only have 15 minutes, before i am on illegal time.

i dont even know. i dont know what to say. i dont want to say anything. i have nothing to say. i have no words, i have no expression, and apparently i have no feelings.
so i take it.

its lame. its lame.

you're selfish. you're selfish. to some extent. i try not to be, so hard. i try hardest when it counts.. but i promise, i promise. i will try more.
where have i failed? what kind of a child am i raising? a daughter that expects to have someone wait on her, hand and foot? (is that even the right term?) turns out i'm the failure. dont worry about it. dont ask me what kind of child you're raising. seems like you've got it figured out.
the computer is the devil. welcome to this generation. i'm sorry that i'm so lazy. i'm sorry that i spend time on facebook. i have so much trouble fighting these things.
i'm going to rip the internet out of this house. you'll never have it again. i dont need it at home. i have it at work. go for it. do whatever you want
i dont expect you to do four hours of ironing.
or an hour of cleaning the kitchen.
just make sure that everything is in perfect order. before you do anything else. before i get home
and make sure to say something empathetic when i tell you about

i have to stop this.

and dont write before you go to bed.

shut up. shut up. i love you. but i really cant take your menopause or whatever you want to call your excuse. i'm sorry i dont know where you are coming from. is that really what you want from me? or do you want that and a personal housekeeper/babysitter/eventcoordinator/backup support person?
i can't do it. especially now. i'm getting better. getting.
and i promise i'll get there.
but this is ridiculous.

and antidepressants?
..this is ridiculous.

01/13/09

i guess this is how it happens,
don't you think?
it doesnt take long,
but my guard somehow ended up -
taking over.
my chest tightens and my voice, controlled
comes slow, it comes
with my breath.
and my eyes close, open,
and you ended up -
here.
i dont think and i think
too much,
its because you are looking
but i see that
you are seeing.
and i'm far too vulnerable for this.
but i let you
take
anyways.

live it up, or just come back home..

Its on the up and up from here, i guess :)

But San Francisco sounds quite lovely, and so I'll just wait for your call.

today, i felt so tired of nearly everything. like nothing had changed in so long. my voice, my profile picture, the school's sound system, my cell phone, the weather.

like everything had been over-used, and nothing succeeded at keeping my interest.

but these are things that i dont need to find constant novelty in for me to keep them or like them or use them.

i'm tired of it.

and, im a bit sad that i fought for so long and then without even realizing, gave in, and nothing really changed either way.

"All I’d wanted for so long was for someone to explain everything that had happened to me in a simple way.

To label it neatly on a page: this lead to this which lead to this and this."

Why can't I trust anyone, no, not even me?

but
elatedelatedelated.

you're the only road i know.

its such a shame that i have to have crisis to produce poetry worth reading.
but nothing ever comes anymore.
i have no problem blogging now though. i'm not sure which is of more value to me.

We are so, far from home, far from home. i've got a bad, pain in my heart.

well. i find myself wanting summer too frequently now as i stand in the rain, thick around my dripping clothes.

im going to try my hardest to get on the boat this summer.
sigh.

because the ocean is, the most beautiful thing i can think of. because living on it gently pushes you into simplicity. it makes you appreciate community and it is so completely free of distraction. its slow, and sweet. the skies are always changing, and the water constantly changing with it. everything around you makes you so aware that you are not in control.

and when you're lying on the deck at midnight, a tiny speck on a swaying ocean above trillions of stars you realize that, though your hair is getting greasy and you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday and maybe the day before, you never want to leave.

maybe its how i've been growing up. maybe it was because i've been on boats since.. before i could walk. maybe its because my dad and my grandad and then all my cousins are absolutely in love with it. all of it. the water. maybe its just something i can't help.
i wish i could turn that off sometimes. i am so caught up in this post.
hhaha.

can't take it

supposedly natasha's back.

i've missed her.

and i havent really got my mind around what a long year 2008 was, that she was absolutely no part of.

whatever.

its dark in my head, could you send some light my way?

i know the snow is pouring four feet away from you, but its on the other side of the window. i feel the way you feel as you sob in the dark, rocking back and forth to your heartbeat. i am all too familiar with the chill the cold wall sends through you every time your back skims it. your shoulders shudder under the weight - but no matter how cold they seem to be towards me, i'm not leaving. i think who you are and what you are is something very wonderful and great, regardless and despite what you might or might not have been told.

it takes effort to be reserved, and i'm getting tired.

so, i promise you, we'll get through the winter. i always seem to, and apparently so do you. we're not alone, we're loved beyond anything we can understand. and you're not alone, you really really arent. whether your heart is freezing over or not. its hard, and it will be hard, and theres still months left to go, but hope is here and spring is coming.

sunshine fires

I'm not sure what you're thinking,
at the door,
and I have ice in my veins.
I ask you to stay
So you stare, think about it-
Will you dare,
is this the end of the night
or the start of something wonderful?

we could spend the evening, talking and sleepless.

i woke up this morning at noon from the best and longest sleep of my life. and i went downstairs to hear kelda making a comment about how she couldnt believe it was already the second.
its not very hard for me to believe that its the second, because it feels like just another second. but its 2009, like something significant that i missed out on.

i sense that people feel like they're starting over, and i wonder if they're really just trying to convince themselves everything is new even though we've just been around one year more.
of course i want this to be a good year, i wanted 2008 to be a good year, i want tomorrow to be a good day. but how trivial this all feels to me isnt changing that this year is going to be full and heartwrenching and beautiful. and it seems that we're all on the edge of something really big and maybe something great.

and 2008 really was a good year. i found a lot of hurt and a lot of light and a lot of life. it was good because Jesus is good. and for me, it ended at one of the best places on earth that i've experienced, with some of the most wonderful people i've ever known.

i'm begging you, to help me see, you're all i want, you're all i need.

well. wow. im not even sure where to start.

i just got home from a fantastic weekend (whatever) at qwanoes..
it was great in that it was such sweet reunion, there was so much further bonding, that it felt like nothing had changed since summer.
we were all crammed in a room again - all 11 of us (the twins/ maggie came at 2am and pulled in some mattresses and slept on the floor) and we had great conversation and great fits of laughter.

i let go of any anxiety when i got onto the skyridge porch with michelle and ana and we stood there hugging and laughing for at least 20 minutes in the freezing cold.

it was also great in that it was such a huge reminder of what i am living for. that regardless of how wearing being in the world is, it has no power over me. and that there are people to whom loving comes naturally and it is something they strive for because they love the Savior.
it was hard to hear a lot of what sid said, but it was good. it was all comforting and convicting and challenging. (i was not extremely stoked or something when i found out sid was speaking because i felt like his talks at YC were good, but.. so general? a bit watered down? i thought he was entertaining i think... maybe i was just too tired to pay enough attention. and my head was pretty full and my heart was pretty heavy as YC hit, so that might have been part of it. but what he talked about the last few days hit home in so so many ways.)

i didnt know what to expect much. but it was so great.

and now, i am going back to the grind. away from the huge community of qwanoes, but i am fearless.

i was selfish to feel hopeless. i have been and am working at leaving that with Jesus.