[the birth and death of the day]

Here we are.
Can you stretch your mind, can you see the years
Stretch out in front,
And the oceans wide as our hearts.
Can you look behind - watch as we
Run, the ground fly.
Everything spans out, and you and i
Can watch the measurements of time
Add and feel them subside.
Can we stop. Can you hold my hand -
Can we stand side by side..
Can we sing, amidst this breath of life?

this is what i'm most scared about graduating.

that being said, i'm [trying to trust] that God's going to make it what his kingdom needs and what i need.

when there's a lack of color here - please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything, the spectrums a to z.

i just don't feel like blogging.
i feel more like telling you of moments, but i feel mostly like hearing yours; your voice recall things you liked and reasons you danced and reasons you cried.

but i feel very most like dancing and crying with you.

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear -

Je n'arrête pas penser d'ils. Ou nous.
(Hmm. Je ne peux pas arrêter penser d'ils? ..Je oublie.)
Dangit.
S'il vous plaît vas facile sur mon coeur..


Ps - laura, commence espérer.
haha goood luck.

Still we breathe with broken lungs.

Father, father..
I'm terrible at convincing myself of anything.
Please be tangible?
Please take me where you want me.
I'm not sure if that's here at all.

this is the sound, of a heartbeat.

perhaps my life is just a constant search for hope in a mess, a struggle to rejoice; for there is every reason to do so, a fight to find time - amidst chaotic battles of ideas, of words, of thought - time for repentance, learning, drawing near to the heart of the Father.

perhaps my life should not be this, or at least solely this.
no, i don't believe it should.

wow. it's been a sweet, crazy last week of school full of math and concerts (three!) and good times and christmas times with good friends. and as much as the weather hasnt matched any of our moods, it was still an incredible week.
and we just got our tree:)

i had things i wanted to blog about, but i'm not in the right mood for any of it right now. tomorrow perhaps?
i'm stoked for partying at church (ahah ohhyeah) tonight, sleeping in as late as i want tomorrow and then going to the states all afternoon/night, and the christmas things to follow, and staff retreat.. ahh so stoked. best, busiest break ever.

yuss for transit on cold days

here we goo..



They weren't about you,
But me. And the frustration and conflict
in my hurried life.
You were sort of vague,
And i can't see the future.
Just the strife and laughter mixed with time.
Feel; we can't change our time but we can take it
These things could be worth the wait, the weight
of stifling days

"they tell me the opposite way is narrow."

we need you closer. ignite life in our hearts, show us our hurts, show us heavy and light, show us you to keep us going.
i've been finding my place, been learning my weapons, been spewing these crooked words from my crooked heart. it seems like no one's going the right direction, or a particular direction, and i need to breathe in this chaos.

this is a war we're running through, 'our souls littered with bullet holes' and this language is the only thing i have at my finger tips to call for help with. this language must be lacking, because no amount of words is enough, for anything.

and i'm head over heels, in this life.

i miss this..

all is full of love.

ever have one of those weekends - great and full and crazy, but that leave you with nowhere near enough energy to face a whole week with?
one of those sundays where the coming week just looms, a fast approaching hurricane of headaches and math homework with a few good friends/choir concerts just to get you through?
a morning where everything that could possibly go wrong for you does, as well as every one of your family members? the kind that leaves you almost happy to be at school [finally] were it not for your eyelids being far too heavy in devotions and most of the jokes flying around first block being about you..


tonight, i'm not doing anything.
maybe i'll be able to sleep..

If there's time for blogging this week, I'll blog. But, this might be the last post till Christmas break.

Sweetest night, ever.
It was worth it just to be there with everyone, and if anything could have made it any better, it was tobymac and relient k and matthew thiessen's voice.

And staying up till three talking about God and life and camp and boys and the future was so missed and so good.

We build and then we break.

something in me tends to move too fast, but i am without the capacity to handle the velocity, speed, or time.

but the worst thing is, i can't turn the damage all of this does off and on according the the circumstance.

you shouldn't think what you're feeling.

i don't know what to think of you. i can't get over that look you always give me, and i can't figure out what it is - the 'i think you're really something whatever you are doing to make yourself look silly is amusing i think you're really cute you're a little ridiculous i care about you you're hilarious you're reading me completely wrong you're reading me completely right and i don't care that i'm being transparent' look.

oh dear.. i'm such a girl.

drive until you lose the road, or brake with the ones you've followed.

i've got nothing.
i'm coming up empty.
i'm at the coldest part - the farthest from summer - the three-quarter-can't-see-the-finish part.
i shouldn't be this resentful of weather patterns.

i've been keeping my eyes wide open

"its just how it is. we can't change anything.
but there is love that never dies, there is a solid place where we can stand.
its just impossible for me to understand."




..."i wish we could understand away from feeling"

why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free,

to be honest, i don't really know where to start. perhaps i will start by being honest.

because there is in fact something wrong in my brain and my heart and my being - something broken, something that can't stay right forever, or even for long, that prevents my intentions and actions from perfection - i've become frustrated. i'm frustrated with chapel at my school - a time set aside to worship the Lord in fellowship and learn together about him, but something that is not that, in reality, at all. i became frustrated with chapel, and i became tired of worship, or more accurately, worshiping. I'm leading it once or twice a week and in practice three or four times a week, and then i'm not leading it three or four times a week but i'm at a church service or gathering or whatever on top of that (though rarely the maximum combination).. and that isnt a good reason at all, or even the main reason. perhaps it is because of that though, that it has by default become somewhat of a habit, where i have no energy to lay my life before my Father, or lay my life before anyone or anything at all, and i found myself 'here again' in a pew thinking of the things i knew i should be doing and why i should be doing them during that time, and wondering at why i wasn't doing them, and wondering at the whys and hows of life and of my life, and if there is anyone else who could sympathize with this, and at that point finding my thoughts as far away from the words i was singing in automatic, as possible.

so in the past weeks up until today, these things have been weighing heavier and heavier on me, in my heart. Until today, when a brilliant speaker and a man who i can see yearns for the heart of God, a man who is not afraid to be honest, even before people who are most critical of other people and most focused on themselves, came to speak at our aforementioned chapel.
he talked about Christmas, and though i think it was a condensed version of a brilliant sermon, i liked what he said because he made his point but left me to think, not exhausting the points he made which related to our lives, but challenged and encouraged.
he said at the beginning, that we celebrate the life of the most incredible, exciting, counter-cultural man who ever walked on this earth.. but with the epitome of culture, and somewhere in a talk that disputed this and explained what Christmas honestly and profoundly is, i was reminded of the reason i worship, or found reason to worship again.

so, i guess i'll write about why. i'm not sure of words that will sound good and i'm afraid i'll use cliche ones or the wrong ones, but we'll see how this goes. i just found a resolve, and i'm afraid i've led up to this too much, but bear with me.

so, here is this guy, and he's talking to people he knows don't care. he knows that they're only half listening, or maybe not listening at all, but he's willing to give them a chance and he knows there is opportunity for the spirit to work so he's going to go for it whether he likes these people's attitude and demeanor or not. this, was the first encouraging thing he brought - this is something i have struggled with since forever. but if he did it, i can do it. if the Lord has called me to do something, i'm going to do it regardless of whether i like how it feels or not. sometimes i need to be reminded.

the next, was his conclusion - he said, 'give generously this month. give your money to people who need money, but give your time to the people in this room. because they need your love and your time but they most certainly don't need your money. it will cost you more.'
i haven't, honestly, thought about christmas shopping until then, and that was a difficult, comforting first thought to swallow.

the most important though, the most impacting, the simplest thing was, the general message to take every opportunity as a reminder to worship God. as in, every silly christmas song on the radio, and XMAS sale banner, and casual 'merry christmas'... and how thoroughly simple and wonderful he found worship made me want to cry at myself. how did my thinking regarding this actually get so messed up?

for now, i'm okay with my voice being sore and my sore head and heart, He's working on all three.

I've still got mountains to climb, on my own.

I should be sleeping because I can feel the passages in my head filling and I've got another concert in like, a week. But I'm evidently not sleeping.
You can't tell me that one's mental health has nothing to do with their physical health.
My brain is restless. Because singing is so hard and my weeks are rushed when it counts and agonizingly, numbingly slow when it doesn't.
And I cant sleep.
I'm so tired from school, and it's frustrating that it takes more effort just to be there than it does to do the schoolwork...

This wasn't supposed to be a school-rant-post.

Anyone want to chill with me this weekend? Like, just sit with me and not DO anything, at all?
Maybe we could just talk? Maybe you could just tell me about how you really are and what you've been doing whilst not studying your brain away?

come on, we're making our way to the upside.

as cheesy as it is, i feel more like myself with you than i have with anyone in a long time.

(you're so sweet. like seriously.
and as much as nothing should make a difference
i don't know what to do.
anymore.
with you. or with life. or with myself.
or something.
i haven't even journalled this.
what am i doing.
you know what. i'm just glad it's december in two hours,
and this will probably blow over before anything
happens or doesn't happen or anything.
night.)

i sing a tired song, i need to just admit the passion's gone, and i want to get it back.

so, yesterday was great. for two reasons.

the first was my discovery of my dad inheriting my grandad's film camera and 7" lens.

it is beautiful.

and my dad does not use cameras. point and shoots are challenging for him.

so.. you can imagine who will be using the camera :)

the second was last night, which i'm not sure the camera compares to.

despite a random appearance by mr loewen (as unnerving/paranoying as that was, josh and jen's support and understanding of the situation was encouraging to the point of outweighing the fear) it was an incredible set - not a rock concert but the church gathered to bring praise to the father.

(Rediscover You was a breath of fresh air, my goodness.)

and i'm sure i wasn't the only one who appreciated that tim brought up the floor falling and that he prayed over us regarding that.. and that they ended/encored with From the corners of the earth and then hosanna (they opened the first one with hosanna and didn't get farther than from the corners) - it somehow brought the year and a half of suffering to a point - a declaration of freedom or at least praise amidst the pain. and it was of course incredible to hear that the most injured - the ones who were paralyzed, were walking.

todays been okay as far as sundays go.

i came across this though while trying to figure out how much allowance money my mom owes me via the calendar, and it made me very sad. it feels like longer than three months ago.

..but as much as it made me sad, the picture made my day.

(evidence of my dad's vicarious living.)

it's been thirteen days and i'm dying of thirst.

so, i'm super tired from a whole week of school (ahh.) but super stoked for chillin at church tomorrow night with friends and starfield on saturday and a pretty sweet choir concert in less than a week (our first one in uniform, haha).

and choir tonight! it's been two weeks.

sorry for the lacking posts - theres no time. or energy on my part.
i still love you.
and i kinda like life.
sometimes.
bear with me.

Is there any other song to sing besides these blues?

Hello hurricane.
You seem to be silencing my love.



I'm fighting for my soul.




Update: 15 minutes later.
But you haven't lost me yet. I'll sing until my heart caves in.

the no on your vacancy sign.

school met me this morning with a math midterm.
mm alliteration haha
keep in mind, i haven't done any math in a good week and a half. and mrs gleimius wouldnt let me take it tomorrow.
i'm toast.

but. i'll survive. i've survived 17 years.

all we know is distance.

You're watching,
you're waiting on my eyes.
But yours can pierce, they
hold these lies of ours.
Then my voicebox shrinks,
the connections begin
to fail in my mind - my
heart cries echoes of your words.

You're watching.
You're waiting for my life, for me -
But i'm caught up... but
i want to see you, need to see you.
I'm learning. And i'll stay still.
Don't let go, i'm going to
get this, just stay with me.
I'm such a mess.

i hear you breathing in, another day begins.

despite my constant headache, inability to breathe through my nose, fatigue and sore body, i'm here...
i'm not sure what to think, now that i'm conscious enough for that rewarding activity.

i've got an inch of dark blonde roots. i miss summer. i just realized today that it's been the same disgusting weather all week - even though i haven't seen it, and it's going to be the same all next week.

i'm too tired to feel hopeful, i'm taking the reminders for granted. blame it on a bad mood or the present darkness or too much time to think while i shouldn't be doing anything but sleeping (where all i do is toss and turn, wake myself up with my coughing and have nightmares about making out with people..), but i'm sick of this.
am i allowed? it's been a week of not having a normal body temperature.
and a day of being with it enough to realize i'm alone. and lonely, as much as i love being stuck to the couch not having to do career development transitional planning projects that rot my brain.

ohh i miss you.

the flashbacks start.

i found my resolution.
or, as near to resolution as i'll get.
thanks. i guess.

we know nothing changes too slowly.

it's just weird.. it's weird to think. it's horrid to think how much damage that much vulnerability caused. and how it left me guarded, and it's still here. and i think it will always sort of be here.
and there's the girl crying down the hall, only feet from the stairwell i'm in. and the brokenness of families, that i can't see when i walk into this church building, on these beautiful peoples' faces. and the scars their friends are carrying and keep covered with their sleeves and their wary smiles.
and these only hint at the scars of girls sold into sex, the orphans among dry shrubbery and vultures, the cold rush of murder among tribes of children. and i'm sitting here so far away in my binding stairwell, wondering where the healing is - my heart so hard from being broken and bitter so many times over by my own mind, so jaded with such a long way to go.
knowing healing exists but knowing completely what sobbing a broken existence away feels like.
they say Jesus knows every kind of pain and he can help us through it or save us from us.
i'm pleading that You do that - because You know the magnitude of relief this world requires tonight.
and though all i feel is a lack of hope, i can't expect anything if i never asked.

between how it is and how it should be; welcome to the fall-out.

boys are stupid.

I'm blogging from the couch. I can't get off the couch. I can't remember the last time I was this sick.
It's probably not swine.. But every sicknes on this planet is considered h1n1 these days, so who knows. I've had a 100+ degree fever for approximately two days.
I'm toughin it out with scott :p.

I had such a sweet, cold, exhausting weekend at qwanoes.. It was brilliant to see grace and chris again. I felt so gross for the second half of it that it was difficult to do anything though. Which sucked.

And, it sucks that I feel so gross that all I can do is sit here and eat crackers and pray that I don't puke.
I'm too tired to keep going with this.
Night.

The chains that hold me back inside, are the prisons of my mind.

I JUST WANT TO POST ALL OF THE LYRICS.
hello hurricane is perhaps the best record i've heard in a good many years.

i'm surviving these days
they're dark. and i have a few more months to go.
i type out blog posts at school and send them to myself, when i have time during my spare. usually i have time, but usually i don't think what i write is worth posting.
this one i'm writing now though.
i'm not sure about school. i'm sucking at it. well. i don't know. it doesn't feel like anything is paying off. i'm caring about it, and it's a lot of wrestling with stuff and it's hard, and i don't even know what i'm doing.
what am i doing?
now i know why we don't go slow. these questions are horrible.
anyways. i don't know why i'm working so hard to get into university. on one hand, i want to do well. and i want to do great things, and i think people who talk about women being educated and how it's a necessity are great and it's a brilliant idea, but on the other hand, i really just want to be a hipyy and play rock music.
plus, i'm tired of only blogging about school, and how i'm tired. this is not life.
or living.




there's something to be said about seing a bright sky even when it's not blue.

dont go, don't go so far away, you don't have to go.

it's been so long since we talked.
i was upset. what he said was angering, but i was not angry at him for the way he lives. i asked him why and he dodged the question..
but i remembered i did the same thing - knowing the love and grace available to me, the life my savior was giving me through his death, i turned and sat myself very alone in a corner, unsure whether any of it was enough for me.
to be honest, i don't know what to do. we're not close [anymore? if you could say we ever were.] and i am not in a position to say anything. i don't know what i would say or do even we were or i was.
i can't help but wonder how he would be different if things with us went differently.


to be brutally honest. i hate my existence in moments as pressing as these - too burdened when i'm hurting to encourage, and too unconcerned or apathetic when i'm fine.

every breath is a second chance.

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born

This is the sun
These are your lungs
This is the day you were born,

And I am always yours

These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born

This is the hole
Where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always yours,
But I am always yours.



(i don't know what it is. maybe there's something in the way the words and chords meet. but there is a hope here that signifies the ability to be hopeful in a world that keeps on spinning.
and your love is my remedy, your love is a song.)

you said, i'm aiming for home.

i really don't want to be here,
be this.

the sound, of a heartbeat.

It feels like everything is dying at the pivot point of me, i listen to the sirens tell me things could still be worse.

"the enemy has been defeated"

the enemy is running rampant through our streets, in our homes, in the people we love. i don't feel strong enough to pray for anything. i feel defeated. i feel like those songs are just emotional manipulators which were written by some ignorant guy caught up in his talent or an american dream. a man or woman who thought the lifting of hands in song was pretty or it made them feel dignified. but the one who cares about his children is the almighty God. regardless of the lyrics. who am i to feel as if my prayers are not eloquent or too stupid to bring before my father. who am i to get caught up in a feeling, whether post-modern-marcel says they are valid or not. if how i perceive something is a lie, that makes it invalid, marcel. even if i don't feel strong enough to come near my father, which is certainly simply satan, i will not run away.

father. i just want healing. i don't know, after everything i've heard, if i'm justified in asking for that or not, but its what i want. as far as i can see, it's what we need. there is so much hurt. there are scars that wont leave. we've made a mess of everything; we've made a mess of each other. we're nothing to look at and i'm not eloquent but i'm asking that none of that matter.. just for healing. just for truth. we want you, even if we don't know how to get there or where to go or what to do. or anything. i don't want a quickfix for all of the world's problems, but the people that are close to me hurt. i hurt. this shouldn't be here. and ignoring it or acting happy long enough that we believe ourselves is not changing anything. I'm not asking for this just because i can't handle pain. i understand for what pain is necessary, but this has turned bloody and eternal. it seems too big, and everything i know is telling me that it's too big.. to think about, to talk about, to ask about, to pray about. i don't know if you're hearing this.. it doesn't feel like you're hearing this. but that could be a lie. which i hope it is. i know there is hope somewhere, because i am living and you have been here. i don't think you left, at least. my heart is a big quiet mess.

death couldn't hold you down.

"time is the brush of God, as he paints his masterpiece on the heart of humanity"

i must have read the part about love in Blue Like Jazz one hundred times, where don miller talks about how hell could be other people, but so could heaven, and maybe we have the ability to bring a bit of heaven to other people's lives. but today i recognized the author that he was referencing about people being hell - a 20th century novelist and existentialist philosopher, a man who's stories implicitly sold the idea that life is meaningless.

never before have i placed hope and heaven together so profoundly.

With the weakest of ears, we'll try only to hear, the sound of our voice, louder than waking up alone.

"'It's been a while since I've felt this restless

By definition it's depressing but I'm alright-

Every promise is lies, every smile makes you cry.

leaves you so unalive, so unalive.'

i should probably rip away completely. some things are too painful to avoid the consequenses of ending them."

mmm. good call.

..my heart's been a million different places this year. time has an unerving tendency to pull it around.. or maybe it's God. it remembers everything, some scars old, some fresher than others, some re-opened again and again. it's kind of crazy; life is crazy. but i'm afraid though it remembers everything, it's beginning to feel nothing, a sort of frustrating revenge or proof that wanting anything is destructive.

One day, you'll have to let it go.

Hmmm.
This past weekend I chilled at qwanoes with a few good friends and it was sweet. It was really sweet not doing anything at all and letting the stress that is wreaking havoc with my skin go. It was sweet to just be there and drink tea in favorite places with Scott and talk about important things and silly things.
I think the speaking and music and games and whatever were irrelevant. Or.. Maybe other things were just more important.
Either way, I'm stoked to go back and I'm stoked that I'll be bringing Jen with me then.

Then I came home to find my brother with really bad H1N1.
Which is always really great.

I really would like this week to be over though. Like. You don't even know. I think there's only been two full weeks of school since September due to prod days and holidays and whatever, and this week will be the third..
Sigh.

I'll make it though!
I think I'm beginning to sound somewhat like a broken record.
..meh. Sucks to be you all.

Night.

broken is when you can mend us.

i made it through another week.
i'm stoked about that.
I'm stoked about a chance to leave the week's baggage at the door tonight, I'm stoked about our first concert (though in tshirts and jeans.. yeyeah.) one week away. and I'm stoked for the (hopefully) sweet weekend coming up.

to be honest, i woke up this morning so tired that i couldn't function.. and school kindof sucked, and I'm aware the next handful of weeks will be the hardest of the entire year, but I'm hopeful. we'll see how it goes.

i realized this morning in my sleeplessness during devos that i let go of the crap slow, as i realized it was robbing me of myself to the point that my behavior wasn't me.
i realized i hated the process.
i realized I'm going to have to do it again. my behavior isn't me.
i haven't felt like myself in so long. not just because this stressful-running-around-never-having-time-to-sit thing just crept in and spread everywhere before i knew what was going on.
i want this letting go to be different, (quicker, preferably, but not quick) but i don't know how.

i'd give you what's left of me if i'd held back.

right now, i'm on the fence about whether i should start my english essay tonight or leave it for the last minute (tomorrow night.)
it's looking like i'll start it in half an hour. maybe. maybe not.


so, (while i am procrastinating) here is a to-do list for this year. (yep. this school year. years have always been more september to august rather than january to december.)
:]

-make 1000 dollars. (yikes. thats a few warehouse hours.)
-jump the whole wake (yeyeah. that's a bit of air.)
-walk in the snow (with joelle and andrew again, preferably)
-only get sick as many times as i can count on ONE HAND.
-fast (food).
-convince my parents to leave me in Shuswap when they leave at the end of two weeks. or at least stay another week.
-send a secret worth sending anywhere to postsecret.
-use more fundraised money towards next summer's choir tour/festival/whatever it is than money i already have.
-do something great.
-purchase stamps.
-figure out what i'll do at qwanoes in the summer

Empty handed but alive in your hands.

i'm dropping chemistry.

i'm missing vital-for-life things because i have so much homework and if i'm not busy i'm not keeping track of things i shouldnt be missing because i'm so stressed and tired
and it's nowhere near worth it.

i have to care about next year, i have to go to university next year, i have to be stressed about next year.


fair enough?
i can't do this though.

calendar.

November 5th concert at terry fox theatre (first of the year! yuss.)

November 22th concert at St Catherine's

November 26th 7:00-9:00pm Adam Con comes to evergreen (:D!!)

November 21st 9:00am-3pm Youth Choir workshop/rehearsal day Evergreen (good times.)

December 1st 7:30pm Concert with the Nylons! ACT Theatre, Maple Ridge (in the jungle, the mighty jungle...)

December 13th 7:00 pm CSMA Family of Choirs Concert Evergreen Theatre (wohoo:S)

December 17th/18th 7:00 pm Youth Choir Solo Concert (YEYEAH)

July 4/5-11/12 Kathaumixw International Choral Festival Powell River

STOKED.

so good looking, i know.

can you tell me why you have been so sad?

Sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends
I'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

I am waiting for something to wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
And i am waiting for that sense of relief
I am waiting for you to flee the scene.

But I won't slow and time can let the mind forget. Don't tell me you don't know.

I apologize for the lack of posts with substance.
I haven't even had time these past weeks to journal nearly.. at all..
And I'm a journaling fiend. haha.

Right now I'm on the itouch. I also apologize for any typos or malfunctions that I won't be able to fix until at least tomorrow.

Last night, I ran from one worship practice to the other, both being equally great, though the church one was twice as long (which I didn't mind at all:]) (with jared's harmonies.. And stuff. Haha)
For the first time ever I'm a bit stoked on small group. For the first time in a very, very long time, youth is like home, like safety, never a fight, never anything creeping in.
And I got to lead hosanna.. and it was hard to believe. Steve backing me up and everyone (every person, yessir) worshipping right back.
It was so sweet. So incredible compared to everything I'm used to- what I've experienced for the past 5 years.

Tonight was awesome too. Carrie is getting increasingly great. I can hear us getting better. We've got a show in three weeks. ..she's not worried(yet..) so I'm not

And OHMAN I'm stoked to go to qwanoes. Scott and I, and chilling with Chris! Ah. I'm beyond stoked. Even if I'm paying for it.

I'm spread so thin right now, I'm pretty stressed (and im not easily stressed.. I promise). and I can't actually seriously remember the last time I just stopped, or the last time I wasn't in survival mode. But there is so much to look forward to. I'm loving every day of this, regardless of the things I can't avoid or the things that come that I hate.

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now.

I just want to leave this huge weight. I don't want to cry. I just want to sleep.
I don't know if I can actually make it to January. With an 80+ average.
I'm not going to Douglas. ..Never.

I did something to my ankle in volleyball the other day.
I can't walk.

I won't cry.
I think I'm scared to.
Maybe.

I can't change anything, and I don't know if I can hang on.
Give me strength, or something. I have no good words. None of them flow together or sound eloquent. I'm just begging that you don't let me go.

i'm listening to this for the last time.

oh no.
my heart feels like it's going to explode.
and it's because of you.

even though i think it's different.
explosions inside of one's body are never good for one's well being.

Help

I'm not sure how to describe this weekend. It was packed as ever. I slept.. Which was weird and far greater than I can explain.
Chilling with justine was sweet, as was talking with chris..

I'm trying to make it to qwanoes the last weekend in oct.
With Scott/justine, which would be so sweet.

I'm goig to bed. I'm so spent.

And such a mess.

it's good to feel a sting every now and again, I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

mm my first computer post since last thursday.

i made it, friends. it's done. i'll never have to do this week again.
thank the lord.

thank you, Lord.



ps.
who gains ten pounds in one month.
sigh.

I think I figured it out, we need to be

together.

Mm not really. But I wish it wasn't like this. I wish it was better.

All I can do is nod, and ask why, and be very quiet. I don't think opinions will help. Anyone. Or anything.
We're both tired. I can tell, even through the caffeine. But thanks for your shoulder. I really mean that.


I don't know for how much longer I can do this. I think I need to drop chemistry. If only I wasn't getting a B+ in it. If only it were more important than math. Which at this point, I doubt I will pass.

Also, I found the worst problem with feeling detatched from my body..
I am awfully aware of myself, and my voice rises and falls and it sounds different than they way my mind formulated it, and I feel fake and disengaged in conversation.
The only place I can escape this completely is choir, and in complete hurt or weariness. Fortunately (depending on how you look at it), tonight was choir, I've slept a good four hours for the last four nights and (as Scotty said..) I hurt inside.

BUT, it'll be a sweet weekend. Justine is chilling at my house for most of it, and I'm relatively homework free:)

I can see a lot of bright in you.

I'm exhausted, but I'm afraid I won't fall asleep till three again.
My throat is killing me.
shoot.
i'm too stressed to function.
i hate math until i understand it.
then it's too good to want to drop.
frick.


this was supposed to post last night, but the itouch died on me.
i'm headed to youth now.
for a worship meeting. i'm stoked on this. you don't even know.

We all share the pain of our histories, but the ache goes away if you could see

I miss you.
Ils.
Yeah, I do a lot.

sometimes i wonder how much of this you read.

help!

last night at potters was sweet. so good to hang out there with the regulars and Geoff and Wesley.
tonight will be equally crazy though.

as much as i love having a social life, i'm so stressed between school and everything afterwards. i love loving homeless and i love my youth family and choir is necessary for survival, and i work fridays, and i've been gone the past multitude of weekends, and monday is the only day i can chill after i get home from school at five from chapel practise...
and i have to coordinate everything, including how my siblings are getting where they need to go.. and it's a good thing there are pre-made dinners this week, or i would have no time for the hours of homework. and showering. who doesn't have time to shower? what the heck?

anywayz.
this weekend will be slow and cold. pray i don't die in the arctic.

i think i'm too caught up in the music.



nah. that's not possible.
as stoked as i am for wednesday, and tomorrow night at potters, i just want it to be thursday night.
praise the lord, for community. everywhere. especially in the music.

well yeah that's a song, but, maybe it's not a song.

"i'm not afraid of awkward silences. it means people are thinking."

i'm back. from a sweet weekend at TR with my choir, and the childrens choir.
i don't know if i've explained this yet, but my choir doubled in size this year. its 60something people now, and all i've ever known are choirs 12 people to 30 people in size. at the beginning of the year it was like i was new to my own choir.
anyway. such an intense weekend. it was completely different than last year, and definitely more awesome.
i don't know how i managed it, but i never signed up for a room, so [the facilitator, i guess] stuck me in a random room with two people i'd never met before. i thought that was sweet.
but seriously it was awesome. last night we did carrie's annual encouragement time (it took three hours, my goodness) which was so, so sweet but so draining after such a long day of singing (6 or 7 hours that day) and hanging out and playing games with children. then we stayed up till two, snuck down to the dining hall to get food (talking all night makes you hungry, evidently)(if you get caught outside your room past curfew they send you home) and then i stayed up till three-ish talking about God and depression and loving people with one of them.

i am now going to be a zombie until i go to bed, which will hopefully be around nine.

not stoked for school tomorrow.

how was your weekend?

My thoughts all quit, thought about too much allowed them to touch the feelings that rained down

Why. Why?
Sometimes, I can't.. Make myself ignore the question. Sometimes the hurt surfaces, and sometimes, gaurds are let down just for them to be put back again.
What it boils down to is, I can't trust. Well, I can trust the lord, and I can trust the matress I'm sitting on has coils in it, but I cannot trust people. I can't trust and I can't lie so I don't talk.
And everyone wants to sound smart but I want the truth.
I want to know what to do to get where I need to be, and I'm tired of just thinking and thinking and never figuring anything out and never DOING anything.

It was just that kind of day.

Birthdays are dumb.
So is loneliness, and so are chickflicks.



I've been feeling like I'm not in my body a lot lately. Like I'm watching me move and I'm listening to me talk and I'm on the other side of the tv screen.
I used to feel this way when I was younger, like 10 or 11. When I didn't feel very deeply or very often.
And then it sort of goes away.
I don't like it.

this would never happen here.

but i'll stand if you want me to.

the days been long
but the roads been hard
you keep putting me back
in perspective

we were young and free
the load is heavy now
there's no time to sit, be
reflective
we were young! my friend
it was long ago
and if anything happened
it would never show
on our faces
worn down by the pain
the stress, the hopes we
reached for then.

where did they go.

Would you mind if I pretended

we were somewhere else,

doing something we wanted to,

'Cause all this living makes me wanna do,

is die because I can't live with you,

and you don't even care.

Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else,

with courage in love and war.

I use to think that's what I was,

but now this lying hurts to much,

and I don't know what for.

this week has been crazy.

youth on wednesday was sweet.
it was good to hang out with people again (josh lim! and a random appearance by josh milad, and my small group, especially.)
steve schultz tracked me down afterwards and told me he wanted me on the team.
so i'm going to practice next week.
ahh.

we'll see how it goes?



i'm on grad council.
i'm taking way too much.
i don't know how i'm going to survive when we get to midterms. i don't like any of my classes except english.
i don't know why i'm taking any of it. i'm pretty sure i have far too many credits.
all i go for is english twice a week, andrew/ian/joel, and the random, portable jam sessions.

rebecca called me randomly last night while i was out. it was so sweet to talk to her and begin the plans for gatherings and be reminded that i wasn't alone while away from that community.

OH and tasha got me saved by the bell season 1 and 2.
i'm so stoked:)

"it's nothing in particular."

when i barely knew Geoff he told me to, as soon as i had the inspiration, write poetry.
at the time, i was blown away that of the 15 of us he was working with at the time, he chose to tell me that, and even more so, that i hadn't had inspiration to write poetry in months.

the last time i wrote poetry was that weekend.


they're called dry tears
'cause i've taken to crying the shower,
just because i'm messy inside
doesn't limit your power,
you said 'i'll die for her here, because
i love her'
and i'm not bitter anymore, i'm not bitter.

everything will change, things will never be the same, we will never be the same.

i feel like jumping on a sailboat RIGHT NOW.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to meet people and jump into a lake off a boat and throw and catch a rope.

i want the smell of the ocean.

i can feel the adrenaline of hiking across the grey with the keel showing and jen screaming as we all get soaked and the sail empties and fills again.

i'm coming to terms pretty slowly. sometimes i can be okay that it's leaving for ten months and some things are leaving forever, but most of the time i can't convince myself.

let's do it.

two things.

1. i'm wondering at where i'll be in six months.
just that. i always feel like i'm pushing forward so hard and growing so little, and then when i look back i'm blown away.


2. jen wanted something i'd drawn the other day in order to impress one of her friends that's into that stuff.
i let her look through my stuff.
she asked me why i didn't draw anymore. i couldn't tell her. why does one stop playing with darkness and light on paper? why does one start?
i'm going to start, again.
or. well. i want to start again. but who knows if i actually will. it would be sweet, anyways.

I know this is my third post of the night, but this is the easiest medium for getting this out.


I don't know why, and I've given up on anything related to figuring it out, but you hurt me so deep. So, so horribly often.
It's SO hard for me to trust in the first place and now I can't actually, logically figure out why I did. And I don't think I ever will.

These are the last tears I'll waste on you, I promise.

drawn to redempion by the grace in His eyes.

to be honest,
i don't know what to say.
i don't know where to start or end.

but i'm disloyal and i'm dumb and i forget things i shouldn't, ever, especially accounting for the things i've experienced.
i'm just sorry. i'm so sorry.

"perhaps we could try this again."
i love you desperately.

i still have junk to work through, i have things to cry out. i have things to write out.
i need you with me as i do those things. i need you to provide me with hope as i face the hopeless. as i battle myself, when i fight the cold.
i'm only so independent.

i know i am filled to be emptied again,
but when all that is in me runs dry,
my God is the God who provides.

how are so many professors promoting marxism in a country like america? can you say you're democratic with so much junk flying under the radar?
seriously.

how much am i actually up against?
i'm not trying to convert anybody. it's just hard to imagine how someone could get to that point.
i thought it was popular to be agnostic, but whatever..

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced, another sun-soaked season fades away.

we are so far from home.

and if i try my best, i still can't find a way to let it go.

it's like trying really hard to fall asleep (which I've been doing far too often lately) or listening to the phone ring on the other line for ages but no one picking up. or like wanting to cry so bad for no good reason and realizing it's nowhere near PMS time.

it's like your heart having too many words for your mind to process and your mouth to form.




it's like just realizing you were in denial.




at least Adam Con is coming sometime, and I'll be at another festival in a year and young adults is starting up and this winter will undoubtedly leave me the lowest i've ever been..

no one cares to talk about it, so can we talk about it?

it seems to me like everybody's just pulling the things that reflect themselves from others and displaying those things, and the connections keep getting more complicated and there are lines between nothing where there should be, and our selfishness is pulling lines where they shouldnt be at all, it's drawing walls we feel we need, and it's annoying and frustrating and i don't see why i should have to be continually adapting or whatever.


then things like suicide are pressed into me and i forget everything and i realize i prefer painful perspective than selfish pain.

the sickness is myself.

i feel like i've been backed into a corner on this one.

i hate a few things, but losing male friends over feelings is one of the biggest ones. always.
i know we've all had feelings for someone and then ran with them, but i've never understood the girl who wants a boyfriend in highschool for logic reasons. not that being irresponsible is great either, but you know what i mean. hopefully.

most of my life i feel completely unattractive and the rest is split into being caught up in pointless emotion and wanting to run from it all completely.

it's all dumb.
i just want escape. i don't want to deal with it. i don't want it like this.
i can't ignore it and i can't act on it. whether i want to do either or not..

i don't know where this all even leaves me.

I need you so much closer.

This weekend:
Journal
Math assignment.
Clean room.
Clean van.
Clean clothes.
Sleep in
CP journal thing(?)
Ecclesiastes
Wear cut offs.
Don't wear shoes.
Tim tams.
Mail letter.
Reply facebook (ugh)
Postsecret.
Message carrie re email list
Pre order
Grad council?
eBay for converse.
Youth retreat Q
sigh.

you'll never know, what it's like to have to face the fact you might let go.

on one hand, school really sucks. i want to be anywhere else most of the time, and my brain doesn't work properly and everything feels jumbled in me and it's impossible to make enough sense of anything in order to produce words. probably mostly because of lack of sleep and non-compliance.
and on the other, i realize I'm getting a bit caught up in this and I'd forgotten about the sweet things that are sure to happen this year- the things I'll witness in my school and in people's lives - how God's going to move and how he'll grow me.


and the first couple days of rain killed me, but it won't rain forever.
and trying not to miss or think about qwanoes family was never something i wanted to do, but i don't know anything else.

ps. in the past couple days you've managed to add more 'whys' to my ever growing list.. though i never expected or imagined that you would.
i miss how you were last year.
and I'm trying to convince myself the space is good, but i don't want it.


yeah i know there's time. but it feels like schools been going for a good five months already. i can't figure out why my brain isn't going to normal school mode and i feel like i didn't pace myself at all or something. i wish i could explain it. and i wish i could explain it to you most of all.

"meaning is not in words. meaning is in people"

Why do I feel the weight of words so insistently pushing through my fingers?
What are your words doing to my mind?
I'm positive this isn't supposed to be happening. Not anymore, anyways.

Which is what completely scares me.

are you there or are you just a decoy dream?

do not lose heart;
we were made for these times.

your stitches are all out, but your scars are healing wrong.

i'm 100 percent sure i can't do this.

wearing a coat.
and wearing shoes!
i'm going to die.
who needs shoes? who needs to memorize things (things soon forgotten) for a grade that's only there to get you well out of secondary education?
who needs it?
i don't care if we have to be a literate country. this is dumb.

and still, i'll be going. it'll be masked with the feeling of newness - crisp kilts and another haircut and more challenges amidst the reassuring, and a camping trip and a musical, and underneath it'll be hell.
and i'll still be going.

try it again - breathing's just a rhythm.

please note:

miss you.

woww i don't know what to say - i have some junk internet and there are better things to do, but i feel like i should say something.


i finished counseling juniors/the third week of cit and left right from the dock straight to cowichan bay marina and from there we went to sidney spit and from there we came to poets cove..

it's been the best summer of my life, without any doubt.
it's been an incredible month. regardless of whether i've been living out of my duffel bag for the last five weeks or not.
im trying not to think about how much i miss everyone, and how much i miss individual people..
and how much i'm going to miss people as we all head to school and get caught up in seperate things, and as winter comes.
i can't even understand this ending. i'm dreading the cold so much.
i'm sitting in the "favorite" marina on [south]pender island reminiscing (two years ago feels like yesterday now) and i'm sure leaving a second time will be more painful.
i'm probably a mess.

of boat hair
and too much time to think.

here we come, here we go.

"little bird, i'm dedicating this song to you.
..don't laugh!"


i am so, unbelievably stoked.
here we go:)




i'm praying that You'd just take me and show me where you want me to be and despite of everything i am that i could come and be a part of this great adventure - your kingdom coming. and that you would be the center of every relationship formed between me and others and that we will be able to do your work unhindered.

to count these tears and kill these fears

"you had me biting my lip. through you i learned that time, no matter when, or how or why, always teaches you how to move on.

you had me crying. whether it was justified or not, you were worth tears to me, you were worth sacrificing sleep and sanity.

you left me shaking.

i left you just fine."

all we know is distance, we're close and then we run.

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing; invade my heart.

two things you told me;

that you are strong, and you love me-

yes, you love me.

it's cold here.

i don't fit here.



i never fit right when i get back.



i'm the same weight as i was in grade 8.
i'm kind of scared.

here's the day you hoped would never come;

frick.
i don't want to leave at all.
it's been way too incredible.
it's a weird, horrible thought - to think these are the last couple times in this lake until next summer.
it's weird to think it's august.
i have no desire to do my hair or makeup ever again.
oh dear.


i was out in the kayak today right before dinner and the sun was setting already and everyone on the lake was heading in, and it was very quiet.
and i think it might have felt something like heaven.
and thinking about it, i must have thought that numerous times throughout the last two weeks..

i got a long while of good connection tonight. (we're on high speed but it runs on the cell-phone reception which is really, really iffy here at best)
i spent it reading through the first few months of my blogger entries.
it made me tired.

i wanted to scream because of some of the things i wrote.
some things transported me back to individual nights. other things showed me how far i've come, or how far i have to go.
some things i wrote i still feel, and some things are still aggravating.
i wish they werent.

but the most evident frustration through all of them which still resonates was the real pain i was screaming into computer keys for which there was no response to.
and there never will be, whether the pain has subsided or not.

"the thought that someday you will be here comforts me."

God will light your path if you want him to.

right now, i'm sitting at the kitchen table watching an incredible sunset through the picture window completely exhausted from a completely incredible day of playing around behind a speedboat on a wakeboard, jumping from the bow of said speedboat into the lake i spent every single childhood summer in, and walking to and from a tiny, sun-drenched, marina with good friends.

it's been a week and a half.. it feels like i've been here forever.
i could stay here forever,

were it not for camp, and the people i'll be going there with, and the people that will be awaiting our arrival.
i'm so stoked, and anxious to get there. i've been in the Word alot recently with all this time to do anything i want with it, and it's been incredible.
i feel like i should have some anxiety or something going into something i have no expectations toward (besides that it'll be great community, only because i've already experienced that so much at qwanoes)/have only a slight idea of what it will be like, but i don't. like "just keeping my eyes on Him-just being in Him," which is all i want to do once i get there and throughout the three weeks i'll be there. and come to think of it, all i want to do after i leave too.

it was a weird feeling to, as far as i know, wash my last dish ever on the last day of camp. haha.
but now i don't think i'm done with dishes forever.
i don't know where that'll take me. dishpit leader some summer? i'd do it all my spare weeks this summer (all three of them?) ...but i need to work and i need to be home a bit.
but! would i end that summer with geoff's mindset, or steph's?

i guess it doesn't matter though, if i'm just being in Him:).

really i've, been learning how to die.

"hello hurricane ackgnowledges the storms that tear through our lives... this album is an attempt to respond to these storms with an element of hope, trying to understand what it means to be hopeful in a world that keeps on spinning." -jon foreman



i am ten times more stoked for this album than i was prior to my painful trip to myspace.

he holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. then you will understand what is right and just and fair- every good path. for wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

you are the best one, of the best ones. we all look like we, feel.

i'm blogging from the porch in the sun and it's apparently 27 degrees but it feels hotter. and it's only 11:23, and the laptop keys are burning the tips of my fingers.
i'm so stiff from skiing and kneeboarding but i don't mind.. there hasnt been time or muscle for wakeboarding yet:(
to be honest, nothing exciting is going on here. i'm getting a ridiculous farmers tan that i'm trying to even out. there havent been any sailing days, but yesterday threatened a storm. it's so hot that the fireban starts tomorrow.

i like it here alot. it's been a sweet week.
where else can you go actually everywhere barefoot?

i feel like i do, even more now, that i'm leaving.

i'm off again.
i'm determined to make these two weeks incredible/far better than last year's.
i'm stoked- the weather isnt showing signs of changing any time soon, and even when it rains there its beautiful.
i'm going to see the stars again.
it'll be good.

i miss people from qwanoes already and i saw them yesterday. (yesterday feels like months ago) i'm choked that geoff doesn't seem to have facebook..
but i'll come back from shuswap and have a sweet week of hanging out with people and seeing THE FRAY/JM and making a bit of money and then i'll be off to Q again:)

we're going now.
home #2 waits on the other side of 6 hours in the backseat of a minivan:)

what i am to you isn't me.

this'll be quick cause i'm really really tired and sick and i just want to go to bed.

qwanoes this week was sweet. there were times where the love and community and passion blew my mind (even in simple things) and others where i couldn't fathom how so much pain could fit into me while i could fit so well/easily into a place so incredible as qwanoes.
i wish i could say the sadness never outweighed the joy.

i'm happy to be home and im dying to get better (erm?).. and the only reason i wanted to leave was for a good sleep and a break from dishes all night.

i'm so, so stoked to go back.

Because of you.

just bend laura. bending is good.
and breaking is allowable.
you'll be okay. it'll be okay.

i miss you.

"ils! You plural!"

It's feels wierd; I went from being with people every minute of the day for a whole week to a whole week of being completely alone most of the time and with my family for the other bits.
I was so lonely the first day back.. I just hung out on facebook all day because there were people and pictures there.
I figured out the problem of a bit of my depression at choir camp-there was no time for it there.
It would creep in around midnight when I was alone for the first time since about 6:30 that morning, but there was always someone texting..
Not to say it didn't come.
But who needs it there especially? All of us doing what we love with people we love.. all the time.

i'm getting a raise! yeahh. finally. without asking. beginning of the summer is raise time for everyone apparently.


and. new cell phone soon. stoked.
but i don't really want a storm, to be honest, and i don't really want an LG.
but it's between those two. because i'm stuck with bell.
it's a tad frustrating. haha i just want a blackberry bold. so much.


i'm back to qwanoes in.. two days:D:D. i'll probs end up packing tonight. its craazy round here these days. work all the time.
i'm so stoked to see alice and jeff again, and meet some of the cit2s.. and see grace and the cit1s i osced with in may.. ahh i'm excited. so excited.
aannd not looking forward to the ferry trip over alone.
at least i'll have some time to rest my voice...


it's so hard not to use it - when my speaking voice is fine, and i need to speak for work and whatever obviously.. but i still can't sing and i'm afraid i pushed it too hard last week and wrecked it. a bit.
like, so afraid. if i can't sing, i will die.
i'll have to be a tenor next year.
nope, i'll die.


i want to cry thinking about it.

oh! speaking of singing and crying.
check it out:)
it's us!
it was the last time we'll sing it together. ever. we were all about to bawl by the end, and way too many people in the audience were crying too.
i feel like it means it's worth it, even though we do with or without you at every concert. because the reason we work hours and hours perfecting this stuff is to tell a story and invoke emotion - and if no one feels anything because of it, it's wasted time.
and it's not just crying.. waltzing matilda and the argument got more laughs than the youtube versions by the professionals;)

and at noon day you and i, see the same sun shine, the same sun shine above.

i'm back, from an absolutely incredible week up at sfu, which generally entailed bad food, hours of singing every day, and not enough sleep.. (i got back yesterday morning and slept for most of the day, went to bed around midnight and woke up like, half an hour ago, and i could probably go back to bed again)
i don't plan on forgetting what a great time we had, the things we did, the bonds we made with each other. regardless of the iffy living conditions, i loved every second of it. if that was a taste of summer in community, i'm stoked for what's coming.

"But I’ll never forget the things that happened this week.
Walks across a sunny campus to sing or eat or…sing. The friends we made from all over the world, all the sleepless, hilarious conversations, and the music that connects us – that brought us together and binds us together as something we live through, and our voices working together.
This is why I’m not sure whether or not it’s all really ended- not yet anyways. We’re sad that the week has come to a close, but the memories are so fresh still. I saw the people I grew to love [more] this week only a few hours ago, though time since last Monday feels as stretched out as it could ever be. I can’t explain it, because supposedly time flies when you’re having fun, but it was as if time did not exist but to help us keep track of when we ate and slept and sang – the things we did carried on until we were tired.
I’m beyond thankful that this ended up in my life. All this emotion; this music.

-getting eaten alive by mosquitoes “watching the soccer game”
-Scott catching the mosquitoes.
-horrible Korean pop (tell me, tell me, t-t-t-t-tell me/hot chocolate/banana chips)
-watching the sunset from the roof.
-falling asleep on Scott’s shoulder two minutes before our stage tech at St. Andrews.
-losing my voice three days into the whole thing.
-chi:)
-Francesco’s ‘faka’ so that the children wouldn’t hear.
-boinking (you’re doing what?)
-breaking a bathroom stall
-there is no need to put horrible food here because I’ll never forget it.
-jail cell (rock pillows and mattresses and paper sheets).
-bus buddy!
-the cha cha slide
-Sam’s awkward grinding
-stealing cutlery
-the ‘turn the world around’ action
-slow ls (I lllove you.)
-everyone laughing more at waltzing matilda than the argument.
-wall. wall. wall.
-the quebec girls ‘signing’ Scott’s shirt.
-Eric’s dancing (?)
-dr. Con’s ‘ooo’ face.
-young Jedi- and Yoda does it slow.
-Dr. Con and Francisco talking to us before each song
-Francisco dancing while conducting desde
-John long boarding by and eric- ‘f you too’
-‘where are you going?’ ‘away.’
-matching around Granville
-my “sexy” voice
-“the food is great, but I need some for later”
-sam helping scott get the shot on the ground
-listening to choir music while looking through pictures
-Freedom Trilogy ending post-standing ovation and then george starting Hallelujah.."

-the circle of affirmation, again.

but there's no recognition in their eyes.

i went out to surrey this morning to see scotts baptism - the second time i've gone to a church far from my own for a friend's declaration in seven days - and it was sweet.
so, my mom and i had time to talk about God and life and stuff as the traffic was bad coming back.
it was sort of unexpected and good.

soo i'm at sfu all this week- it'll be a week of bonding with good people and lots of concerts and meeting people from all over the world (mm yep it'll definitely inevitably be that) and no computer. and at this point i'm just glad that i'm getting out of here - as my brother, sister and dad are super sick.. with the cold i managed to fight off on thursday:S
i spent most of today running around with my mom getting groceries and thermometer batteries just to be out the house.

it just sunk in that it's summer and there finally isnt anything nagging - there aren't deadlines or tests or french or thaaat crap. for another two months. ahh.
i cannot fathom how someone figured they could put us all through ten months of hell and two months of sun would come close to making up for it.
but brett was telling me about highschool in south africa and i think i would die there. even though they get twelve months of sun.

thank you for the music, for giving it to me.

aw. this landed in my inbox post sunday's year end concert.

Dear Youth Choir singers,
Thank you so very much for a superb performance at my last CSMA Family of Choirs Concert as Artistic Director. What a fabulous “send off” that was!
Your numbers were brilliant – and I am very thrilled to be leaving this organization with this particular Youth Choir so strong, and brilliant under the direction of Carrie Tennant. It will be very exciting for me to see how Diana Clark and your wonderful director lead Coastal Sound into new “choral territory” along side of the other members of this fabulous Artistic Team. Thank you for your part in it all!

I feel kind of like a proud parent…..and it gave me great joy to see your faces, along side of the alumni faces, and all the others in that final “Here’s to Song.”

(Oh yes…some housekeeping here…..we need that music back ASAP because it is borrowed…..so please be sure to return this.)

You will be a “knock out” at the festival! Looking forward to that….just a week away!

Thanks again

Donna

as much as we have all trembled in fear in the presence of donna otto (and cringed at her interesting fashion sense. ahem. gloria.), she's honestly an inspiration. very few people are ever able to leave anything better than they found it - and she is definitely one who has - whether it be a concert venue or a swimming pool change room or a massive group of people living out 'music, for your whole life'.

on another note (ohh pun. :\) festival is in three days. that is a freaking short time. before then i have to catch up on sleep, get rid of this cold, go to surrey for scotts baptism, watch UP with the boys, go to work, download On and On, and something is happening on saturday that i can't remember.
should be good times.

You're transparent and perceptive,
And otherwise we're alike.

without your comforting logic like, these days are the one's that i'll miss.

soo.. i've been at work alot. bleh.
i think sfu will mark all of our summers beginnings.
i don't mind that.
but work gives me too much time to think.. SO much time.

on sunday pastor mark spoke on 'surviving' apathy - and somewhere in the end challenged young people not only to be a neighbor, (taking his sermon from the story about the samaritan who helped the dying guy on the road) but 'change the road'.

which brought to mind two things:

1. i will never, never work in a warehouse, or any place similar beyond highschool. (i'll leave grocery store/related to no time beyond early post secondary. i think). i work with the people who made my summer job their career, but i can't fathom how they do it.
2. if i'm going to go to university for another 10 years of precious life, the only way i'm doing it/getting through it, is if it's what God's called me to do and i love it, and that's the only way i'll be able to get up every morning. or get the money to get the education. (why am i planning on going straight from school to pre-psych courses at twu? ahh.)

(ironically, the only thing natasha got out of the sermon was that i should start figuring out what i'm going to do with my life.. and it so prompted her to 'almost text' me. haha)
(oh. it's ironic because she hasn't figured out what she's doing with her life? and other things. but it doesn't matter.)


i'm trusting that He's going to tell me though, and i'm trusting i'll gain some interest in hopefully the same thing sometime before i waste millions of dollars in university.

and i want the sun to staaay..
4 days till festival.
2 and a half weeks until qwanoes.
stoked, obviously:)

Ive been sitting by the train tracks near the back door of my mind.

Wow. When did I let the idea work itself through me that I am a punching bag?
My very being is such a painful contrast of truth existing somehow through lie-saturated skin.

she'll never know your story like i do.

"I cannot wake up in the morning, without you on my mind."

i'm listening to this stuff, but i'm so glad i'm out of the woods.

Laura:

;it's summer.

He has redeemed us from the curse of life.

this is certainly the first,
and hopefully the last
month where
i went to bed so many nights crying,
and woke up only to find myself choking
on tears again-
going to school for no reason
other than that my
parents are paying for my education.



does He keep my tears in a bottle?

in the end i'm still so lonely.

it's hard to believe its summer.
it was the quickest transition from school to work i've ever made.
but i have to work the whole time i'm here - because im here barely at all.
one week till sfu. one week!


i've been such a mess this week.
too tired and too worn down - four finals straight is crazy.
and other stuff.
so much. so much weight.
this weight is not a gift.

There's almost nothing that you could tell me, that could ease my mind.

Your actions speak too much louder than your words.


Sometimes it feels like a heart seems like no place to be singing from at all.

I'm sorry it takes me so long to grapple with things and proccess-
I didn't want to leave it there at all though- and in my proccessing I haven't found resolution..

I would like purpose again. This is no way to exist.

the struggles i'm facing, the chances i'm taking, sometimes might knock me down - but no, i'm not breaking.

study break number 284.

this is actually one of the cutest things i've ever seen.
ohdear:). and it doesn't help that i have a huge crush on that guy haha.


..well. i'm just anxious to get out.
i'm one night away from what i'm hoping will be one of the sweetest, most incredible, God-focused summers of my life.
and i couldn't be more stoked for it.

it's been a tough year - but the past 4 have all been, so i don't know where that leaves me.
it was a lot of dredging stuff up and dealing with stuff and getting over stuff just to move on to the next. it was a lot of time spent cutting myself off because of selfish reasons, and realizing that none of it worked the way i wanted it to.
yeah. i'm pretty smart :\
it was a lot of unnecessary hurt, thinking about it. but i'm good at that..

but, i'm coming out of it pretty strong, and not bitter at all.
and as much as this year has illuminated how short i'm capable of falling - i hope it points to nothing but the grace and love of my Father.

you're the hope in my cold stare,

It's been a long, long fall
With nothing to intervene
When gravity does it's thing
We start wondering what it's for
Stuck in a cold dark basement
Surely expected more
But all you can see these days
Is four walls and a floor
We trade our troubles
For a room with a view
Come up here
We're making our way
To the upside
A brand new day on
The upside
The future's brighter than a
Sky full of blue.


i'm stoked on newsboys' new cd - a mix between their old album, the drum beats of playradioplay! and a teeny bit of ..mika? and my dad likes it enough to listen to it in his car. haha.
i definitely wish i had made it to a concert before peter furler stopped touring.. but what can you do.

the cp final today was no sweat. it might have damaged my average a tad though.

i just want to get this week over with.
the last stretch is always the hardest.
english tomorrow:)

arrghhfdjj'psdogsa'dgj.

Mais nous jouions plus que nous travaillions.

[how] did you know I write poetry?
And did you know that I haven't been inspired for a while?
Penses-tu a moi at all now?


Bleh. Il me manque..

i knew that i was free, cause you're cold as snow, and i cant wait anymore.

i'm just thankful.
i'm still learning - how to do things, how to take things, how not to do things.
how to cry. how to laugh and mean it.
the balance.
why.

what d'you do? what else is there to do?

i see your love, i turn my back and beg for you to go.

"sometimes it's embarassing, to talk to you."

dishwater splashing.

"to hold a conversation with, the one who sees right through this-"

i'm a war, of head versus heart, and it's always this way. my head is weak, my heart always speaks, before i know what it will say.

And I try not to worry
But you've got me terrified
It's like you're in some kind of hurry
To say goodbye.

there's ridiculous 08 music stuck in my head.

so!

i just got home.

[well. i didn't just get home. but i'm tired, and it doesn't feel like i've been here long.]

from an incredible weekend at qwanoes.

man, it was so good. i met tons of people. the dishpit director/assistant are sweet, and i'm stoked for the osc week. haha that's ridiculous. dishes are not stoke-worthy.

i'm stoked.

it's craaazy how much bonding happens in a couple days. one day.

we went down to waterfront last night for a couple hours and watched the plankton light up green and threw jellyfish around and sat around and played i have never and i have, and laughed waay too much.

grace was there! :)

we had two ten minute breaks and a half an hour break once the whole weekend, besides meals.

we played ultimate duck-duck goose on the field after dinner dishes yesterday until some dad came and told us to shut up cause his kids couldn't sleep as we were making such a racket, and then prayed for a while. seeing as that was quieter and we were all together.

clean up was a gongshow the first few times...

ahh. i don't care how much i was dreading the passing of time before, i can't wait to get back.

With lead feet in deep water.

You choke back tears and swallow lies, but these weatherblades won't fix your eyes; count on having clouded vision for at least a little while.

I've got a bad, pain in my heart. It's like the first time I looked in your eyes, the first time it all fell apart.

I am almost nowhere, and I'm getting there fast.

It's not enough, it's not enough.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-
For things I shouldn't be feeling, for doing things I knew I shouldn't have done, for forgetting who I was by getting so caught up/ wrapped up in things, for only getting used to it or becoming okay with it when I thought I was getting over it..

I was only fooling myself.

it's all proclaiming who you are; you're beautiful.

i'm really thankful for the community i have -

its willingness to come alongside and love on, encourage, provide whatever needed, hang out with, etc.

it's promises kept,

and it's keeping God the centre of everything, from which it's love comes from and is rarely hindered.

it's giving Him the glory for it all.

or the fact that i'm grateful to just be breathing.

it's been a crazy week. two weeks? month?
it's been so busy, i don't even know how i'm functioning.
i'm not running on much, anyways.

i haven't even been journalling much and i'm really really ready for school to be over like, right now.

youth wednesday was absolutely fantastic. it's good not being bitter anymore. it's so good.
last year it didn't feel like it was ending (like it'd just be a couple months and it'd be back, and i wasn't reliant or anything) - and it's different this year. i can't exactly put my finger on it, but that might just be because i'm really tired and it's hot in here.
maybe because this was the last year of not having to use my voice.
or not being able to.


it's sort of emotional times, and i'm spending alot of time squinting at joel and andrew through stinging, tired eyes trying to figure out if they'll mind if i don't say anything.

i die, one day at a time, cause i just can't seem to get you off my mind.

its ridiculous how heartsick i can get.

i don't even know how to counter it before it gets in.