when I cry on my own shoulder.

to be a better friend?

it's not what i wanted,
and attention to me is something you refuse to pay.


I'm missing being bffs.
Sorry.
Maybe I'm crazy and I care too much
But it's raining pretty heavily here and I don't feel like I need to do much in the way of putting weight in words.

I held you closer, than anyone would ever guess - I've never been too good with secrets.

-my stomach is growling. Midnight snack?
-Im done with crazy overprotective mothers. Get me the flip out of private school.

please keep no score.

-I am spending considerably less time on facebook these days
-I'm so stoked on the next two weeks - youth grad on wednesday, my grad on friday and then leaving for Shuswap saturday morning, getting home tuesday, SWEET times in between and then commencement on thursday (officially graduated mann)... and I'm not stressed at all about anything.
-Drinking tea is good.
-Life is really fast. but it's not that fast. Mind you, I'm so busy. Flip me I'm busy.
-So so beyond stoked to get back to the lake. It overwhelms me. Buying a wetsuit tomorrow :)
-I never thought I'd need all this time alone it goes to show, I had so much but I have need for nothing but You.
-I need it to stop raining. My heart is heavy with it.
-They don't teach you many important things at school. I guess how numbers work together is important, and Shakespeare's works are important..
-Blisters on my feet I crawled back home.
-I sometimes convince myself that I'm not scared because I temporarily don't feel scared.
-I like you,
-And learn to dance, I will.

I'm a wretched man, I'm in love again; hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.

(as previously posted on my xanga)

xanga's safe and i'm exhausted.

it's been a long week - no sleep.

the last night of youth for the year was last night, and it was my last night of youth ever.

though undoubtedly i'll be back as a leader at some point, it was weird to feel it end and watch it end and be asked to come back for the ethos worship team.

It's been an incredible year - between legit messages from Jon, newfound encouragement, rocking out with the band, girl talk in small group and the most bonding i've experienced in one year in one place, and it certainly drew the years to a conclusion-

God is alive and working in our lives, working our lives together in his justice and love and mercy, and strengthening us for each other and the years ahead. The Lord brought me joy beyond belief this year, especially through this ministry, throughout and beyond the struggle and fear. It all had me looking back and realizing that the battles are always going to come and they are always going to be difficult and they are always going to be withstandable - I will always have Truth that conquers and a community to hold me together there, within the talks and raised hands and tears. I will have them when the pretty words are long forgotten and the happiness leaves with the sun and nothing but my foundation is left.

To quote Jon Foreman, "a cynic is just someone with a broken heart."

God has been mending my heart in places through this year and this church and it's a crazy thing. It's mindblowing and sometimes it makes me want to cry and it makes me want to be with friends.

Nothing has ended quite like this in a long time, and as weird as it feels, i'm happy and (as Jeremy put it last night) relieved that highschool is ending. And I wouldn't change the past 5 years for anything. The next few months will be great and difficult (travelling all over the place between finishing my last credits off and figuring out my next year) and I'm feeling a strange mix of urgency to get out and the need to slam on the brakes. There's a month left and I have so much to make of it.

if it doesn't break your heart it isn't love. it's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out, is when you find out what your heart's made of,

no you haven't lost me yet.

Just a few more months and we'll be fine.

[I don't know if Chris still reads this,]

I had some nutella this afternoon to curb my chocolate craving.

I thought of Chris taking the nutella from me at The Point saying "intervention." upon my protesting.

I've been missing CIT a lot recently, and I don't know why

Perhaps it's just yearning for the summer,

but either way I'm tired.

I wish I had more summer time.

a light that is coming for the heart that holds on?

i can't figure this.

and i keep trying things and nothing is working.

i don't flipping know what i'm supposed to do.

and if this is some terrible, sick God-lesson, i really don't know what i'm supposed to do.

i can get into sfu with four grade 12 academic courses.

i only have three.

so i failed at cramming an online, 10 month college level course into 5 months.

so i apply for an easier summer course on heritage online.

but they won't let me take it without paying 500 dollars because i don't need the credits to graduate.

but they give me a magical website with massive amounts of other online school information.

then my dad looses the paper that the address was on.

but my mom finds it. after i spend an hour digging through garbage cans.

and i find after some time on aforementioned website that no other online schools provide online testing, which i need at the rate i will be away this summer.

then i realize if i had gone to a public school, getting into sfu would be eighthundred times easier.

i try to imagine myself at public school.

i imagine hell. and getting into sfu.

actually, and perhaps ironically, the most difficult process was applying for douglas. not internally - first i couldn't get online for a couple days, and then i couldn't find any program i wanted to do, and then i couldn't pay the application fee, and numerous other things, and i still don't think the application is complete..

i always promised myself i wouldn't be the dunce who went to douglas, i wouldn't be the basket-case who applied everywhere, i wouldn't be the procrastinator who waited until august to decide which school to go to, nor the one who let any of it get me to the point of breakdown, and i certainly wouldn't be the stupid person i am blogging about all of this garbage.

yeah..

go figure.

I realize I've only but just begun.

It is 11:40 pm. and I should have been in bed long ago. For real, I can't get enough sleep between these days.

I decided as soon as i got home that I did not want to go to bed.

For there is too much to think about.

There is too much anger to sort through.

Though there is not a lot, any is too much.

And there are always questions that are better left un-thought-through but my mind is too familiar with what's worse.

Goodnight.

Trouble travels fast when you're specially designed for crash testing.

Keep askin' ourselves are we really
Strong enough
There's so many things that we got
Too proud of
We're too proud of
We're too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
Instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch em' as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches will they reach for what
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
Theres this heart all alone

What about is gone
And it really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all
Theres a world we've never seen
Theres still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all
Could blow away with a breeze
If your waiting on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
Cause as the darkness gets deeper
We'll be sinkin so we reach for love
At least somethin we could hold
But I'll reach to you from where time just cant go.

I've never said "fml" before, but at this point I'm almost tempted.

i looked at the acceptance letter.

i looked through the papers.

i looked at the number.

i looked at it again.

it was not registering.

it said 19,470.

it said "this is education that must be paid for by three summers worth of working, plus your parents' and your grandparents' money."

it said "you will learn life outside of high school very slowly, or not at all."

it said "you'd better get off your blog and start working your butt off."

"making sense of it all"

wondering why i am able to talk about starfield but not think about it.

wondering why i refer to starfield more as the event than the band.

I killed my selfishness, bringing me this far...?

Is there such thing as too much worship practice?

I'm probably about to find out

...Meh.

"oh, this is the way I want to go down - this is the way I want to go out."

I've seen this one before, the girl she gets away.

Always waiting. always
And I'm pulling
away because it's all I
know how to do.
Until waiting
becomes somewhat vague.
And I realize it doesn't make a difference,
because I'll still feel the same,
and the situation will sink in and I'll mope for a while,
try to reason my way into
justifying my stupidity,
and someone will say 'are you okay?'
Of course I'll repeat the lie like everyone
else,
and I'll still be waiting,
of course.
Always waiting.

Dear graduation,

Please hurry up.

Sincerely,

Tired.

speak but a whisper.

Sometimes when I have time to sit, I find myself in either two places.
a)I find that I am tired and wish I wasn't.
b)i find that I am happy and feel nearly guilty about it. But that is only almost the right word.
Then I try not to think about it because that's what being normal entails, (or so I have learned)
But I always wonder if there's something wrong with me because who really is so confused when they are happy to the point of not knowing what to do with it?
But maybe it's just the human condition and I am naming it with a and b points and feeling it when I have time.


Flip me and the tendencies that come in my brain.
Father,
I don't
have words tonight.

"When consequence does it's thing we all want it like before."

Like a submarine wreck, scraping the bottom,
Won't you, don't you pray there's something more?

We're making our way to the upside,
The futures brighter than a sky full of blue.

cause i miss you.

Where dissapointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

My existence begs for answers, or a response.
I wait.

My God is the God who provides.

i am finding that no matter what the circumstance,

i cannot remove the joy in me-

the joy that makes me sing and gives me strength.

nor would i would ever want to.

this year has been the busiest/most strenuous/most tiring thing of my life.

and i'm not disregarding the pain

but there's not a lot i would change, if i had the chance -

i found the joy of the Lord in the dead of winter.

and the future is so blank from my point of view, but we've always been told to trust the Father for this time,

and i'm sure that if there has ever been or will be a time that he will provide, it will be now, and more mindblowingly than we can imagine.

i pray for great things, and for us,

we must always be hopeful.

now it's time to get out

and stand in the wind of this summer,

and suit up for battle.

somewhere between unsure, and a hundred.

my stance is fierce
these muddy waters
force my fears,
the green of [spring] is here.

Ive always known, with you, I am home.

I'm on weekend two of no sleep.
Early this morning I headed downtown to work with a sweet new/difficult clinician in one of the most beautiful and frustrating churches in Vancouver, and then finished it off with a big concert.
(we did Fix You for the first time and a few old ones, and it was a bit of a gongshow night because we were all so exhausted)
And I will head down to church early tomorrow morning to do some worship-band-ing, and go home and crash.

It needs to be sunny tomorrow.
:)