Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
it never ends
I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long.
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you,
is that so wrong?
i hear you say "my love is over,its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace,
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and attempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends."
mm.
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long.
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you,
is that so wrong?
i hear you say "my love is over,its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace,
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and attempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends."
mm.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Over the heartache that they say, never completely goes away - sept 21/08
it shocked me a bit how this is still so applicable right now.
there was so much that i didnt want to happen
mean to happen, expect to
happen. so much i thought
i wouldnt feel. things i knew
as facts, but in me they were never
real, the never got their grip in me until
then. and the only thing we can
do is move, but even moving hurts
on shelves, we put our thoughts, constantly
straining for life, for reason to live, for someone
to love us, we break harder than we know
how to heal.
i thought that i would be okay, but i dont remember
what okay is, and i cry silent hates away,
while sleep insists on staying far from here
mean to happen, expect to
happen. so much i thought
i wouldnt feel. things i knew
as facts, but in me they were never
real, the never got their grip in me until
then. and the only thing we can
do is move, but even moving hurts
on shelves, we put our thoughts, constantly
straining for life, for reason to live, for someone
to love us, we break harder than we know
how to heal.
i thought that i would be okay, but i dont remember
what okay is, and i cry silent hates away,
while sleep insists on staying far from here
I've got my hopes high with second start, we are miracles, every breath is magic...
well, its snowing again.
christmas this year might have been the best christmas since grade7. and it wasnt even that fantastic. either way, i'm almost happy, even with the snow and missing family and everyone else's lives being miserable.
last night i understood jesus' love for me again and it was harsh. i was listening to 10th avenue north and it was sort of pat-answers, but there was too much understanding behind all of it to reservedly handle. from there it was good crying and staying up way too late talking to jesus.
i'm so, so excited for staff retreat. my hopes are really high and i dont even care how dangerous that is.
christmas this year might have been the best christmas since grade7. and it wasnt even that fantastic. either way, i'm almost happy, even with the snow and missing family and everyone else's lives being miserable.
last night i understood jesus' love for me again and it was harsh. i was listening to 10th avenue north and it was sort of pat-answers, but there was too much understanding behind all of it to reservedly handle. from there it was good crying and staying up way too late talking to jesus.
i'm so, so excited for staff retreat. my hopes are really high and i dont even care how dangerous that is.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was.
maybe being stuck here in a colourless world is getting to me, but i'm craving summer right now alot.
not last summer particularly.. just summer. the carefree, young, running down the beach barefoot summers. ..the salt air summers.
and the summer we discovered fishing off the end of the dock, swimming pools in marinas, that you should wave back at the boys passing on their boats. the summers the heat wasnt a reason to feel guilty.
i'm still tired and too much weighs on me but i found will to live and fight. i call that passion. and thats hope enough in a colourless world.
it saddens me that this is all i want on christmas eve, for the sun to come out and the spring to bring the thermometer above zero, but it happens every winter. ..maybe i was born in the wrong place
not last summer particularly.. just summer. the carefree, young, running down the beach barefoot summers. ..the salt air summers.
and the summer we discovered fishing off the end of the dock, swimming pools in marinas, that you should wave back at the boys passing on their boats. the summers the heat wasnt a reason to feel guilty.
i'm still tired and too much weighs on me but i found will to live and fight. i call that passion. and thats hope enough in a colourless world.
it saddens me that this is all i want on christmas eve, for the sun to come out and the spring to bring the thermometer above zero, but it happens every winter. ..maybe i was born in the wrong place
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
how much do i have to scream for something to change?
i'm here. you know where. you know everything. i know.
these weeks come up in the foreground as mountains. by thursday, i'm going downhill hard.
but every weekend brings a cliff, and i make my way wearily to sit at each edge.
leaning over, my legs dangle in the air, and i yell as i inch my way.
of course you wont come. i'm not actually going anywhere except up next week's mountain.
these weeks come up in the foreground as mountains. by thursday, i'm going downhill hard.
but every weekend brings a cliff, and i make my way wearily to sit at each edge.
leaning over, my legs dangle in the air, and i yell as i inch my way.
of course you wont come. i'm not actually going anywhere except up next week's mountain.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
We've got the rest of our lives to live out, all these dreams we stay up tonight talking about.
oh darn.regardless, you get my heart rate up.
and everyone wants to feel alive.
we've got the rest of our lives to regret, all the words that were said here tonight.
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings.
And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
i feel the tension between the first and second coming. of course.
i am waiting, for the day we can see Him. he's here completely... but peace on earth?
its just how it is. we can't change anything.
but there is love that never dies, there is a solid place where we can stand. its just impossible for me to understand.
...
Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
i feel the tension between the first and second coming. of course.
i am waiting, for the day we can see Him. he's here completely... but peace on earth?
its just how it is. we can't change anything.
but there is love that never dies, there is a solid place where we can stand. its just impossible for me to understand.
...
Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.
Friday, December 19, 2008
take it slow, take it easy on me
contrary to any belief of yours that happens to be contrary what i'm feeling, i'm feeling quite sad.
it really makes me sad that you hate so much of life. like, really, really it breaks my heart. we have been bffs so on and off though that i dont even know what to do. i dont know. im not the same, i dont have that energy to keep up with you, and when i push for it, i end up looking and feeling like an idiot. whatever.
some of the things i read are going on consistently shock me. like, it takes alot to shock me.. i dont know. its all a bit unbelievable.
i see in you that you are miserable. but i also see that you're beyond me. that your life is falling apart, both your selfish one and.. the other ones. and the last thing you need is me.
okay. it's fine. everything is fine.
i wish we could understand away from all feeling.
it really makes me sad that you hate so much of life. like, really, really it breaks my heart. we have been bffs so on and off though that i dont even know what to do. i dont know. im not the same, i dont have that energy to keep up with you, and when i push for it, i end up looking and feeling like an idiot. whatever.
some of the things i read are going on consistently shock me. like, it takes alot to shock me.. i dont know. its all a bit unbelievable.
i see in you that you are miserable. but i also see that you're beyond me. that your life is falling apart, both your selfish one and.. the other ones. and the last thing you need is me.
okay. it's fine. everything is fine.
i wish we could understand away from all feeling.
but i know i'm not crazy, i've just lost my will, so why am i, why am i, taking them still?
i need an escape. i want to run away. like, run. and get somewhere. far away.
treadmills are terrible and runs always start and end at the same place.
i dont need to be told again that i'm strong, i dont need to be told i'll be okay, i'm tired of this skin. i want to be alive.
i want to sing without worrying about technique, i want to bawl on stage, i want to be tired of being tired.
a while ago John asked me why he was even alive. he asked me what his purpose for living was. i told him he'd figure it out once he was at it for awhile.
of course i know the easy answer. but that was all i told him because i'm still finding the real answer in the vagueness.
treadmills are terrible and runs always start and end at the same place.
i dont need to be told again that i'm strong, i dont need to be told i'll be okay, i'm tired of this skin. i want to be alive.
i want to sing without worrying about technique, i want to bawl on stage, i want to be tired of being tired.
a while ago John asked me why he was even alive. he asked me what his purpose for living was. i told him he'd figure it out once he was at it for awhile.
of course i know the easy answer. but that was all i told him because i'm still finding the real answer in the vagueness.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
and i dont know how, but the closest friends i've ever known, are all inside, singing together
well.
i guess this is what it comes down to? i can't help but wonder if you making me miserable is why you yourself are miserable.
i guess this is what it comes down to? i can't help but wonder if you making me miserable is why you yourself are miserable.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
saw the darkness had no choice before the dawn, with your own eyes, and then you broke out laughing from a yawn
i listened hard to switchfoot late last night. a bit from Nothing is sound and some Oh!gravity.
the lyrics i grew to love over the summers resounded in me.
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, we're awakening
and for how many times i want to wake up kicking and screaming, i want to know that my heart's still beating, its beating, i'm bleeding, has been pumped through my ipod earphones, you would think it's significance would have hit me harder, sooner.
..most of Golden was mindblowing.
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
You are golden,
You are golden, Child
This world is a dead man down
The Earth spins and the moon goes round
The green comes from the frozen ground
And everything will be made new again
Like freedom in spring
please slow down, jon foreman sang to me, the stars are coming out.
the lyrics i grew to love over the summers resounded in me.
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, we're awakening
and for how many times i want to wake up kicking and screaming, i want to know that my heart's still beating, its beating, i'm bleeding, has been pumped through my ipod earphones, you would think it's significance would have hit me harder, sooner.
..most of Golden was mindblowing.
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
You are golden,
You are golden, Child
This world is a dead man down
The Earth spins and the moon goes round
The green comes from the frozen ground
And everything will be made new again
Like freedom in spring
please slow down, jon foreman sang to me, the stars are coming out.
Monday, December 15, 2008
with tired eyes i stumble back to bed, i need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread.
well. it's really really cold here. it got to -15 with the wind chill last night.
its frightful.
the cold this year insists on freezing my skin and seeping into me and clinging to my insides. i don't think i've thawed yet.
i found myself bitter this morning getting out of the car and i didnt even bother to pull on a brave face before i got into the school. it took me many hours of being with joel, andrew and ian to be.. not sad. or at least okay with being sad.
its frightful.
the cold this year insists on freezing my skin and seeping into me and clinging to my insides. i don't think i've thawed yet.
i found myself bitter this morning getting out of the car and i didnt even bother to pull on a brave face before i got into the school. it took me many hours of being with joel, andrew and ian to be.. not sad. or at least okay with being sad.
it'd be so nice to look out the window, and see the leaves begin to show.
PS. please dont flirt with me. i'm between Crushcrushcrush and Bubble wrap with you. and i dont think liking you would be a good thing..
Saturday, December 13, 2008
the walls are caving in
i feel sick.
i feel sick.
i have a friend who took 45 pain killers thursday night in attempts to die or at least subdue her pain.
i was talking to her before she did. i told her, (among words i got from no where but Jesus because i was really not doing well myself that night) not to touch those painkillers. she didnt get my message.
she's alive, but i can't help her beyond loving her. there is nothing else i can do,
and its not enough.
i feel sick.
i have a friend who took 45 pain killers thursday night in attempts to die or at least subdue her pain.
i was talking to her before she did. i told her, (among words i got from no where but Jesus because i was really not doing well myself that night) not to touch those painkillers. she didnt get my message.
she's alive, but i can't help her beyond loving her. there is nothing else i can do,
and its not enough.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
help?
so, the post-baptism high wore off. well. came crashing to the ground last night. because youth is really really a struggle. this is a new sort of depression because its hard to wallow in and hard to get out of and its hard to figure out.
battling it is learning it and trying to ignore it at the same time.
i've learned to find joy at school and youth is pain, ful.
i dont know.
battling it is learning it and trying to ignore it at the same time.
i've learned to find joy at school and youth is pain, ful.
i dont know.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
no, i dont want a battle from beginning to end.
Dont fret. it wont last forever.
nothing lasts forever.
nothing lasts forever.
but i'll to my very best to love you forever.
nothing lasts forever.
nothing lasts forever.
but i'll to my very best to love you forever.
my heart is heavy
behind the guard
the one i wont let down
the building you wake up in
the stories that i hear,
dont drown.
theres hope till you stop breathing
dont die.
the sound
of voices hurt you now,
but they help, they will
voices of reason.
i cant decide how
but they're voices of love
they're truth, they're truth
but you wont allow
them in
soft heart, soft words,
they kill.
behind the guard
the one i wont let down
the building you wake up in
the stories that i hear,
dont drown.
theres hope till you stop breathing
dont die.
the sound
of voices hurt you now,
but they help, they will
voices of reason.
i cant decide how
but they're voices of love
they're truth, they're truth
but you wont allow
them in
soft heart, soft words,
they kill.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
i will follow you, into the dark.
today was sweet.
really, in the rawest form of the word.
baptism is a thouroughly exhausting experience.
it was fantastic for a lot of reasons.
and easier than i thought it would be.
and i'm pretty positive i looked ridiculous, a whole church of three billion people watching, but really, it didnt matter.
at all.
i have fantastic family there. i am so thankful. i cannot thank my jesus enough in my lifetime for them.
i opened my eyes underwater. it was a bit weird (huge fear of mine? a quirk. or something. it comes from a lot of chlorine trauma or seeing too many fish underwater with gaping mouths and slimy skin..) it was hard coming back up. but i had strong arms to get me out.
the last time i was hugged that much was church after starfield.
i can't explain much else. that would be limiting, i think.
really, in the rawest form of the word.
baptism is a thouroughly exhausting experience.
it was fantastic for a lot of reasons.
and easier than i thought it would be.
and i'm pretty positive i looked ridiculous, a whole church of three billion people watching, but really, it didnt matter.
at all.
i have fantastic family there. i am so thankful. i cannot thank my jesus enough in my lifetime for them.
i opened my eyes underwater. it was a bit weird (huge fear of mine? a quirk. or something. it comes from a lot of chlorine trauma or seeing too many fish underwater with gaping mouths and slimy skin..) it was hard coming back up. but i had strong arms to get me out.
the last time i was hugged that much was church after starfield.
i can't explain much else. that would be limiting, i think.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Explanations breathe for us.
well, i've got time to kill.
i am feeding my anxiety as i sit on facebook. i have to get off of that thing. in general.
so i blog to my readers of none, nothing but the hopes of a comment and my own habits to keep me on here.
just kidding.
i'm still nowhere near.. anywhere good.
i dont know.
i guess i was feeling pretty strong by wednesday.
apparently i'm not.
at all.
EDIT - later.
i am full of terrible things right now. i'm jealous and anxious and tired and afraid and i can barely bring myself to fight.
there is no good reason for these things to stay in me, but i am so tired. not physically tired.
but i'm not losing any amount of faith.
i am strong, i am capable, i am not alone. i have everything i need. Everything.
i am loved seperate. i am loved completely. i am loved beyond my understanding.
i'm pretty sure this is the only reason i still fight and face the things i hate.
sometimes He just has to remind me.
Jesus wins every night.
i am feeding my anxiety as i sit on facebook. i have to get off of that thing. in general.
so i blog to my readers of none, nothing but the hopes of a comment and my own habits to keep me on here.
just kidding.
i'm still nowhere near.. anywhere good.
i dont know.
i guess i was feeling pretty strong by wednesday.
apparently i'm not.
at all.
EDIT - later.
i am full of terrible things right now. i'm jealous and anxious and tired and afraid and i can barely bring myself to fight.
there is no good reason for these things to stay in me, but i am so tired. not physically tired.
but i'm not losing any amount of faith.
i am strong, i am capable, i am not alone. i have everything i need. Everything.
i am loved seperate. i am loved completely. i am loved beyond my understanding.
i'm pretty sure this is the only reason i still fight and face the things i hate.
sometimes He just has to remind me.
Jesus wins every night.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I'd swim across lake Michigan, I'd sell my shoes.
sdgfiuenc;asl
i fall apart at the seams.
where are the seams, anyway?
i'm falling apart. wherever the seams happen to be, that is where i am seperating. knowing me, its probably my vital organs and the left side of my brain from the right side.
veins and arteries and capilaries are dismembering themselves
okay i'm done. because i am beginning to gross myself out.
i hate being like this.
i was doing okay! i was i was! for serious! i was not dying!
i didnt want to go to school at all five minutes ago. i felt sick. and i've been wanting to get out of the house since saturday morning when i was stuck here too sick to move. i was so excited to go to school.
that looks really weird typed out.
but i wanted to!
and i had to remember that i was going to see andrew and joel and ian tomorrow, and now i want to a little more.
friickkk.
i shouldnt have left my house. i hate it here, and i hate cleaning, but at least its safe most of the time.
but youth is safe most of the time!
i dont even know what i am saying.
i'm going to bed. i have a splitting headache.
pretty sure its because the seams holding the right and left side together are falling through on me.
i fall apart at the seams.
where are the seams, anyway?
i'm falling apart. wherever the seams happen to be, that is where i am seperating. knowing me, its probably my vital organs and the left side of my brain from the right side.
veins and arteries and capilaries are dismembering themselves
okay i'm done. because i am beginning to gross myself out.
i hate being like this.
i was doing okay! i was i was! for serious! i was not dying!
i didnt want to go to school at all five minutes ago. i felt sick. and i've been wanting to get out of the house since saturday morning when i was stuck here too sick to move. i was so excited to go to school.
that looks really weird typed out.
but i wanted to!
and i had to remember that i was going to see andrew and joel and ian tomorrow, and now i want to a little more.
friickkk.
i shouldnt have left my house. i hate it here, and i hate cleaning, but at least its safe most of the time.
but youth is safe most of the time!
i dont even know what i am saying.
i'm going to bed. i have a splitting headache.
pretty sure its because the seams holding the right and left side together are falling through on me.
your love is keeping me alive.
no comments. no comments! ever!
it feels sort of pointless blogging.
well. i've been recovering wonderfully the past few days. monday feels like a long time ago.
i wish all school weeks were two days long.
i'm getting really tired of cleaning though. my parents expect to come home to a clean house every day and when they dont they yell and all i have strength to do, really is sit. i read and get tired. i try to do math, and i get tired. i nearly fell asleep yesterday on msn.
my cleaning skills have gone out the window.
i miss summer. i want the sun back. i can't even remember what it feels like.
i'm doing okay. the last hard battle was acouple nights ago and jesus won for the night.
i've just been getting my strength up.
and for the amount of time i've been spending by myself these days, i am not lonely..
i was born for this.
ohyeah. i've got some thank-you's i've been meaning to get onto the world wide web. maybe tomorrow if i get time.
it feels sort of pointless blogging.
well. i've been recovering wonderfully the past few days. monday feels like a long time ago.
i wish all school weeks were two days long.
i'm getting really tired of cleaning though. my parents expect to come home to a clean house every day and when they dont they yell and all i have strength to do, really is sit. i read and get tired. i try to do math, and i get tired. i nearly fell asleep yesterday on msn.
my cleaning skills have gone out the window.
i miss summer. i want the sun back. i can't even remember what it feels like.
i'm doing okay. the last hard battle was acouple nights ago and jesus won for the night.
i've just been getting my strength up.
and for the amount of time i've been spending by myself these days, i am not lonely..
i was born for this.
ohyeah. i've got some thank-you's i've been meaning to get onto the world wide web. maybe tomorrow if i get time.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
am i too late to see the road, or is it obvious to know?
Taking everything I know
And put it into action
It's a war out there I know
But I'm crippled by distraction
On my own
I know what I'd do
On my own
I'd be leaning on You
On my own
It's safe to say
I need strength to go
Strength to go on
And put it into action
It's a war out there I know
But I'm crippled by distraction
On my own
I know what I'd do
On my own
I'd be leaning on You
On my own
It's safe to say
I need strength to go
Strength to go on
Monday, December 1, 2008
you came to take us, all things go.
i was reading through this "christian" magazine my grandparents have subscribed to for me, and normally its pretty lame, a mix of simple truths and tips on how to tone your abs and clever ways to dress modestly and christian perspectives on current media stuff.
anyway. in it, where there might usually be a tame beautiful letter of words Jesus might say to a teenage girl, was a letter signed "Satan".
in it, 'he' talked about how it was really him who distracted the reader from their bible, their church, their good intentions, and put their focus on themself; their weight, what they wanted, how he encouraged them to dwell on their present 'misery'.
proposed satan reminded the reader bluntly that it was none other than him who was so good at convincing the helpless reader they should have no self worth..
maybe it was meant to be a wake-up call for your average american girl, that this is what is really happening..
it was just a reminder that satan would really like me dead right now.
i have a crush on sufjan stevens.
anyway. in it, where there might usually be a tame beautiful letter of words Jesus might say to a teenage girl, was a letter signed "Satan".
in it, 'he' talked about how it was really him who distracted the reader from their bible, their church, their good intentions, and put their focus on themself; their weight, what they wanted, how he encouraged them to dwell on their present 'misery'.
proposed satan reminded the reader bluntly that it was none other than him who was so good at convincing the helpless reader they should have no self worth..
maybe it was meant to be a wake-up call for your average american girl, that this is what is really happening..
it was just a reminder that satan would really like me dead right now.
i have a crush on sufjan stevens.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
a bunch of confessions.
its sort of surprising how hard it is to find the truth after a while of lies.
1. i dont know how to start most things. sentences, essays, drawings, thank you notes.
2. i am not happy with being unhappy.
3. i dont know where that puts me, or what i should strive for.
4. i hate how much emphasis is somehow put on how we should look and how we should eat and what will make us content and how much we are capable of getting without actually paying for it. i hate that we are encouraged to be selfish, like it won't kill us later.
5. i hate that people are getting good at talking about doing things but somehow can't follow through.
6. i hate that that is a perfect description of myself.
7. i hate most parts of hating.
8. i am in general, a contradiction.
9. i think things are always worse in my head than they really actually are.
10. i feel harder than i should.
11. i'm laid back. it takes a lot to make me angry.
12. underneath selfish stuff, i don't know where my life is going, and i dont think i will ever know. all i want is to further the Kingdom. otherwise i dont care at all.
13. i forgot that im getting a boat. wherever i'm going, its going to be on a boat.
14. i think i was born in the right place, no matter how much my family thinks i should have been born in the carribean, because i hate the rain and snow and cold so much.
15. i would rather learn lessons painfully and never forget them than have to re-learn the same things multiple times easily and painlessly.
16. i lie to myself a lot. sometimes i manage to convince myself of things that arent true, but it always ends up hurting more.
17. i think it looks like i have things together. i think i have a couple basic things together. sometimes people who i'm friends with, but they dont really know me, will tell me that.
18. really, i'm a wreck.
19. i'm not completely sure why, because my life is basically good. my family is good to me and my school is great and my church is great. i have absolutely fantastic people around me that love me even though i am myself.
20. i love my school. it is hard to say that, because most of the time i've spent there has been painful.
21. i love my school because my friends and teachers are like family to me.
22. i can't stand it when people are critical of other people. usually i wont tell them to knock it off unless they're close to me though.
23. i wasted a whole summer because i was sad. huge regret.. but i can't see how i could have changed it, and definitely wouldnt want to go back to that summer to try and change it.
24. summers are important to me.
25. most often i have no idea what i want. its never constant.
26. most often i want people to show me that they love me.
27. i think i am terrible at showing people i love them so that they know it. i can't show them feeling. i feel trapped here a lot.
28. i've realized that most things never work when i try to do them without making jesus my focus. even though i learned this the hard way, i continue to learn it the hard way, and somehow i can't get it, even now. i think i'm lazy.
29. i try really hard to imagine my life without so many stupid walls, and it is impossible.
30. i hate them, the walls, but i spent so long putting them there, that it's very very hard for me to attempt pulling them back down. even if i realize that they are cutting me off from what i need and want. even if i dont want them there.
31. i dont like how i look 8 out of 10 days.
32. sometimes satan tells me i am strong, and sometimes he tells me i'm weak, and for some reason i always believe him.
33. i get crushes all the time. they never last longer than two days.
34. its very hard for me to cry most of the time.
35. i cried last night.
36. i can make myself cry, to get pain out of my system. but i wouldnt ever do that unless it has been months and months of feeling so terrible that it is numb, and i'm in a corner of my bedroom and no one is home.
37. i've only done that twice.
38. for the past couple months, i havent been able to look at myself in the mirror at 7 am with no cover on and feel okay with what i see.
38. i'm scared for my family right now.
39. i could live in other people's words on paper. its almost as good as real life.
40. i feel really inadequate most of the time, in making a difference anywhere, and sometimes i let that affect my actions. but not a lot.
41. i'm not nervous or afraid to get baptised.
42. i hate the winter. i hate SAD.
43. i am really a geek. i like choir a lot.
44. i feel no need to be fake. i dont care if people i dont know dont like me.
45. i can't last very long with no one to care about me, but alot of the time when they do i want to be independent or something stupid like that.
46. i owe 7 hours of my daily happiness to andrew, ian, joel, and my cell phone.
47. i hate being sick so much it is ridiculous.
48. i hope you can't see through me as much as i can see through you.
49. i can't trust.
50. i like the beach boys
51. i can't decipher when i should be vulnerable from when i shouldnt, but i know that i'm terrible at being vulnerable when i should.
52. if i'm not lying to protect myself, my silence is my self-defense.
1. i dont know how to start most things. sentences, essays, drawings, thank you notes.
2. i am not happy with being unhappy.
3. i dont know where that puts me, or what i should strive for.
4. i hate how much emphasis is somehow put on how we should look and how we should eat and what will make us content and how much we are capable of getting without actually paying for it. i hate that we are encouraged to be selfish, like it won't kill us later.
5. i hate that people are getting good at talking about doing things but somehow can't follow through.
6. i hate that that is a perfect description of myself.
7. i hate most parts of hating.
8. i am in general, a contradiction.
9. i think things are always worse in my head than they really actually are.
10. i feel harder than i should.
11. i'm laid back. it takes a lot to make me angry.
12. underneath selfish stuff, i don't know where my life is going, and i dont think i will ever know. all i want is to further the Kingdom. otherwise i dont care at all.
13. i forgot that im getting a boat. wherever i'm going, its going to be on a boat.
14. i think i was born in the right place, no matter how much my family thinks i should have been born in the carribean, because i hate the rain and snow and cold so much.
15. i would rather learn lessons painfully and never forget them than have to re-learn the same things multiple times easily and painlessly.
16. i lie to myself a lot. sometimes i manage to convince myself of things that arent true, but it always ends up hurting more.
17. i think it looks like i have things together. i think i have a couple basic things together. sometimes people who i'm friends with, but they dont really know me, will tell me that.
18. really, i'm a wreck.
19. i'm not completely sure why, because my life is basically good. my family is good to me and my school is great and my church is great. i have absolutely fantastic people around me that love me even though i am myself.
20. i love my school. it is hard to say that, because most of the time i've spent there has been painful.
21. i love my school because my friends and teachers are like family to me.
22. i can't stand it when people are critical of other people. usually i wont tell them to knock it off unless they're close to me though.
23. i wasted a whole summer because i was sad. huge regret.. but i can't see how i could have changed it, and definitely wouldnt want to go back to that summer to try and change it.
24. summers are important to me.
25. most often i have no idea what i want. its never constant.
26. most often i want people to show me that they love me.
27. i think i am terrible at showing people i love them so that they know it. i can't show them feeling. i feel trapped here a lot.
28. i've realized that most things never work when i try to do them without making jesus my focus. even though i learned this the hard way, i continue to learn it the hard way, and somehow i can't get it, even now. i think i'm lazy.
29. i try really hard to imagine my life without so many stupid walls, and it is impossible.
30. i hate them, the walls, but i spent so long putting them there, that it's very very hard for me to attempt pulling them back down. even if i realize that they are cutting me off from what i need and want. even if i dont want them there.
31. i dont like how i look 8 out of 10 days.
32. sometimes satan tells me i am strong, and sometimes he tells me i'm weak, and for some reason i always believe him.
33. i get crushes all the time. they never last longer than two days.
34. its very hard for me to cry most of the time.
35. i cried last night.
36. i can make myself cry, to get pain out of my system. but i wouldnt ever do that unless it has been months and months of feeling so terrible that it is numb, and i'm in a corner of my bedroom and no one is home.
37. i've only done that twice.
38. for the past couple months, i havent been able to look at myself in the mirror at 7 am with no cover on and feel okay with what i see.
38. i'm scared for my family right now.
39. i could live in other people's words on paper. its almost as good as real life.
40. i feel really inadequate most of the time, in making a difference anywhere, and sometimes i let that affect my actions. but not a lot.
41. i'm not nervous or afraid to get baptised.
42. i hate the winter. i hate SAD.
43. i am really a geek. i like choir a lot.
44. i feel no need to be fake. i dont care if people i dont know dont like me.
45. i can't last very long with no one to care about me, but alot of the time when they do i want to be independent or something stupid like that.
46. i owe 7 hours of my daily happiness to andrew, ian, joel, and my cell phone.
47. i hate being sick so much it is ridiculous.
48. i hope you can't see through me as much as i can see through you.
49. i can't trust.
50. i like the beach boys
51. i can't decipher when i should be vulnerable from when i shouldnt, but i know that i'm terrible at being vulnerable when i should.
52. if i'm not lying to protect myself, my silence is my self-defense.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
let's unleash the bitterness, its here in the midst of this
i'm sick.
i'm afraid i really wont be up for anything now.
victoria on thursday was fantastic. so good to hang out with good people for 12 hours of travelling, cold weather and museum exibits.
i had a fantastic conversation with joel on the bus ride back about spiritual gifts, and speaking in tongues.
i havent had much chance to hang out with joel much this year, but i think he's great..
this week is going to be packed. i was trying to schedule a hair appointment and couldnt even find any time. i'm a bit scared about that. but, its not like i'll be getting any less sleep than i have been..
this is where i think i'm going to have to let Him fight for me, because i'm not sure how much longer i can fight for Him before i crash.
all the pain in my head got me out of bed this morning, by the way.
i'm afraid i really wont be up for anything now.
victoria on thursday was fantastic. so good to hang out with good people for 12 hours of travelling, cold weather and museum exibits.
i had a fantastic conversation with joel on the bus ride back about spiritual gifts, and speaking in tongues.
i havent had much chance to hang out with joel much this year, but i think he's great..
this week is going to be packed. i was trying to schedule a hair appointment and couldnt even find any time. i'm a bit scared about that. but, its not like i'll be getting any less sleep than i have been..
this is where i think i'm going to have to let Him fight for me, because i'm not sure how much longer i can fight for Him before i crash.
all the pain in my head got me out of bed this morning, by the way.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
sit down, come round, i need you now.
last night was really incredible.
every time i'm down there i'm increasingly filled with compassion and love for the people i see, the people i talk to, the people i serve.
i filmed my baptism video this afternoon. it was okay.
tonight at youth God told me He missed me. kristie asked about it in small group. i replied without much explanation and some of the lovely girls around me started talking about God sounding like a boy or something.
it sort of ticked me off, but whatever.
its sort of easy to get into battle and not remember what you're fighting for after a while, especially when it gets to the point where you do not seem to be winning.
i'm thinking prince caspian, battle scene one.. pre-aslan.
but he came back.
He misses me. i need to and am going to change that.
every time i'm down there i'm increasingly filled with compassion and love for the people i see, the people i talk to, the people i serve.
i filmed my baptism video this afternoon. it was okay.
tonight at youth God told me He missed me. kristie asked about it in small group. i replied without much explanation and some of the lovely girls around me started talking about God sounding like a boy or something.
it sort of ticked me off, but whatever.
its sort of easy to get into battle and not remember what you're fighting for after a while, especially when it gets to the point where you do not seem to be winning.
i'm thinking prince caspian, battle scene one.. pre-aslan.
but he came back.
He misses me. i need to and am going to change that.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
you're a tireless one and you'll be back burning, when the morning comes
i'm a freaking wreck right now.no one needs broken bones to put them in such a train-wreck state.
this post secret is echoing my heart.
why is everyone cold shoulder.
well.
i know why.
i just wish they werent.
i'm allowed to voice that things are wearing on me, i think.
Friday, November 21, 2008
with the lightning this close, i can see, that so much in this world's make believe, and still nobody knew, i need you.
well, sometimes it feels like it, but really i dont.
i dont need you.
and still, my heart paces and my brain races around and my words arent steady.
life outside my stupid human instincts.
so..
todays chapel might have been the start of a revolution. i am not exaggerating, in a few years, it could be a revolution. i probably wont even be here to see it. but i could come back and speak like dave dombrowski and i'd be sure to expect this revolution and prepare for my old school a good challenge.
i had been wondering at the beginning of Through painted deserts pre-chapel (because i had been reading it pre-chapel), because Don miller, in the beginning, is explaining how he was questioning regular life as he knew it because he was leaving it.
like, he had realized there were questions beyond 'how', beyond how can i get money, how can i get laid, how do i become happy, how do i have fun?
questioning his old God-as-slot-machine life, his how do i have fun life.
it made me really want to go on a road trip to the green lumpy places to find God or myself or something. i'm not sure if it is right to say that or not, because i havent read the whole book and i dont know if that's really what he found or if that was really his purpose (i'm taking his published word for it that it was), but if it prompted me to question my selfish way of living in my soul, then i would do it. (put weight in that 'i would do it').
i feel like we shouldnt be trapped up in the people around us, often even people who will tell you as honestly as they know how that they know and love the Lord. and i think its easy to fall into their patterns because these patterns are undoubtedly our patterns too. (this is where one puts themself into either the "their" or "our" category...). we are born to only want to serve ourselves. one of the biggest fears within us is giving up our comfort for something painful and new and we don't want to be anything but selfish. okay, i take that back. i dont want to be anything but selfish. all the time. (but see, the "their" category and the "our" category are both the same.) i want very much not to be, but really at my core i like myself more than the person i bumped into on the street and i wouldnt think of sacrificing my time, my money, my precious energy for them. i barely even want to look at them at times (this is also because by nature it is just hard for me to muster enough self-confidence for this sometimes)
i say we and our here because i see this everywhere. because i know that i am not the only person that is like this. i know it that people are instinctly the same. like ant-eaters just know where to find ants and it comes naturally for lions to go around hunting things, and your average north american gravitates to the nearest starbucks every day at around 9am. it is how we are when we come into being.
but i find hope in that we are also instinctly drawn to Jesus because our souls all long for Him where He once was and now isnt. where He once gave us life, where he once made us whole, we know ("in our knower") that He is supposed to be there.
i say we and our and us there aswell because i know this is true for not just me. never in my life have i ever seen anyone not searching for something. people write music about the holes they are trying to fill. in those exact words! and they make millions on those words.
then.. i guess we must be walking internal battles.
chapel was neat because john fortune and tim came to promote the Worship Music Project and we scratched revolution in the front on i choose to find some wonder in Jesus right now levels. today just happened to bring some encouragement that it is not a pointless battle, it is not a battle i am fighting with a few simply to lose it after much time, energy, money or passion is spent.
todays chapel might have been the start of a revolution. i am not exaggerating, in a few years, it could be a revolution. i probably wont even be here to see it. but i could come back and speak like dave dombrowski and i'd be sure to expect this revolution and prepare for my old school a good challenge.
i had been wondering at the beginning of Through painted deserts pre-chapel (because i had been reading it pre-chapel), because Don miller, in the beginning, is explaining how he was questioning regular life as he knew it because he was leaving it.
like, he had realized there were questions beyond 'how', beyond how can i get money, how can i get laid, how do i become happy, how do i have fun?
questioning his old God-as-slot-machine life, his how do i have fun life.
it made me really want to go on a road trip to the green lumpy places to find God or myself or something. i'm not sure if it is right to say that or not, because i havent read the whole book and i dont know if that's really what he found or if that was really his purpose (i'm taking his published word for it that it was), but if it prompted me to question my selfish way of living in my soul, then i would do it. (put weight in that 'i would do it').
i feel like we shouldnt be trapped up in the people around us, often even people who will tell you as honestly as they know how that they know and love the Lord. and i think its easy to fall into their patterns because these patterns are undoubtedly our patterns too. (this is where one puts themself into either the "their" or "our" category...). we are born to only want to serve ourselves. one of the biggest fears within us is giving up our comfort for something painful and new and we don't want to be anything but selfish. okay, i take that back. i dont want to be anything but selfish. all the time. (but see, the "their" category and the "our" category are both the same.) i want very much not to be, but really at my core i like myself more than the person i bumped into on the street and i wouldnt think of sacrificing my time, my money, my precious energy for them. i barely even want to look at them at times (this is also because by nature it is just hard for me to muster enough self-confidence for this sometimes)
i say we and our here because i see this everywhere. because i know that i am not the only person that is like this. i know it that people are instinctly the same. like ant-eaters just know where to find ants and it comes naturally for lions to go around hunting things, and your average north american gravitates to the nearest starbucks every day at around 9am. it is how we are when we come into being.
but i find hope in that we are also instinctly drawn to Jesus because our souls all long for Him where He once was and now isnt. where He once gave us life, where he once made us whole, we know ("in our knower") that He is supposed to be there.
i say we and our and us there aswell because i know this is true for not just me. never in my life have i ever seen anyone not searching for something. people write music about the holes they are trying to fill. in those exact words! and they make millions on those words.
then.. i guess we must be walking internal battles.
chapel was neat because john fortune and tim came to promote the Worship Music Project and we scratched revolution in the front on i choose to find some wonder in Jesus right now levels. today just happened to bring some encouragement that it is not a pointless battle, it is not a battle i am fighting with a few simply to lose it after much time, energy, money or passion is spent.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
in love and war, head over heels.
i've been burning after more,
we both know what these open arms are for.
you're the one place i call home.
we both know what these open arms are for.
you're the one place i call home.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i am a living breathing hell, come on and resurrect me.
hmm. today was good. and cold.
i'm not really in a great place for blogging right now. for no other reason than i've been thinking all day about silly things like the solutions to math problems i will never come across post-secondary, and how to make a never-ending staircase... argh. that thing is impossible. i'm terrible at it.
but, i love art class.
anyways. i have nothing left in my brain. but blogging is helping to unwind me. as did the frigid walk up my hill. :)
as long as its not raining.
i'm not planning on singing (in chapel)this week. i'm missing practice tomorrow to go to my stage tech. i want to sit in the back and sing by myself on friday. well. with mr wright and mr dowell who i can always hear from the other end of the gym. :)
i was somehow not tired at all today. like, at all. i thought that was sweet. i definitely stayed up for another hour.. so that was like, 2ish?
i wondered all day at how i wasnt suffering from headaches and the like.
well. i wasnt really wondering. i had a hunch. 5 hours of sleep isnt usually enough..
i'm not really in a great place for blogging right now. for no other reason than i've been thinking all day about silly things like the solutions to math problems i will never come across post-secondary, and how to make a never-ending staircase... argh. that thing is impossible. i'm terrible at it.
but, i love art class.
anyways. i have nothing left in my brain. but blogging is helping to unwind me. as did the frigid walk up my hill. :)
as long as its not raining.
i'm not planning on singing (in chapel)this week. i'm missing practice tomorrow to go to my stage tech. i want to sit in the back and sing by myself on friday. well. with mr wright and mr dowell who i can always hear from the other end of the gym. :)
i was somehow not tired at all today. like, at all. i thought that was sweet. i definitely stayed up for another hour.. so that was like, 2ish?
i wondered all day at how i wasnt suffering from headaches and the like.
well. i wasnt really wondering. i had a hunch. 5 hours of sleep isnt usually enough..
Monday, November 17, 2008
such a long long way to go, and where i'm going i dont know, i'm just following the road.
qwanoes was fantastic. really, really.
it was good to hang out with michelle and meet people and see grace again (but i hate the absolute lack of opportunity for conversation there. its still not sitting well with me..)
satan is the most terrible thing i have ever experienced in my life.
i could have collapsed and sobbed for hours at any point..
i didnt.
i didnt have energy.
i wasnt too tired. but that was a good excuse.
i'm recovering? i just remembered i'm not going to youth this week. right now, i dont really want to be living. i guess i'll have to suck it up.
it was good to hang out with michelle and meet people and see grace again (but i hate the absolute lack of opportunity for conversation there. its still not sitting well with me..)
satan is the most terrible thing i have ever experienced in my life.
i could have collapsed and sobbed for hours at any point..
i didnt.
i didnt have energy.
i wasnt too tired. but that was a good excuse.
i'm recovering? i just remembered i'm not going to youth this week. right now, i dont really want to be living. i guess i'll have to suck it up.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
the tension is here, between how it is and how it should be
i wish i lived on a beach in california.
i was dared to move.
i was dared to move.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
tomorrow, i am going to camp capilano. i am not impressed because it is going to pour the whole time. :)
thank the Lord that i will be singing for most of it. or something.
right now, i cannot look at myself in the mirror. i cannot stand the stark contrasts of my face, the contrasts the world tells me should not be there.
this isnt an approval thing, this is a, i cant stand it, anymore, thing.
and it wouldnt be as bad if it didnt hurt.
thank the Lord that i will be singing for most of it. or something.
right now, i cannot look at myself in the mirror. i cannot stand the stark contrasts of my face, the contrasts the world tells me should not be there.
this isnt an approval thing, this is a, i cant stand it, anymore, thing.
and it wouldnt be as bad if it didnt hurt.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
i can't live, with or without you
it is so so easy to default to hurt.
maybe it's not a default. maybe it is just easy to let it take over.
yes.
there are raw parts everywhere. fresh scars.
and of course, satan gladly comes quickly to grind his sand paper in there.
this battle has become bloody.
maybe it's not a default. maybe it is just easy to let it take over.
yes.
there are raw parts everywhere. fresh scars.
and of course, satan gladly comes quickly to grind his sand paper in there.
this battle has become bloody.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
i just want to survive, with you by my side.
i am really really all over the place right now. there's so much flying around my head, and i cant get it from my mind to my fingers.
right now i am at a humble place of understanding. but it is fresh understanding, which is the best kind i believe, because it hasnt had time to be subconsciously worked into a formula that is easy to explain and easy to fit my life.
if only i would learn to stop trying to make things like the gospel fit my very very small life and if only i could learn to let the wonder take over.
tonight i got to talk with some people i hadnt seen in a long time, and it was very good. i've missed them alot.
right now i am at a humble place of understanding. but it is fresh understanding, which is the best kind i believe, because it hasnt had time to be subconsciously worked into a formula that is easy to explain and easy to fit my life.
if only i would learn to stop trying to make things like the gospel fit my very very small life and if only i could learn to let the wonder take over.
tonight i got to talk with some people i hadnt seen in a long time, and it was very good. i've missed them alot.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
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