It feels like everything is dying at the pivot point of me, i listen to the sirens tell me things could still be worse.

"the enemy has been defeated"

the enemy is running rampant through our streets, in our homes, in the people we love. i don't feel strong enough to pray for anything. i feel defeated. i feel like those songs are just emotional manipulators which were written by some ignorant guy caught up in his talent or an american dream. a man or woman who thought the lifting of hands in song was pretty or it made them feel dignified. but the one who cares about his children is the almighty God. regardless of the lyrics. who am i to feel as if my prayers are not eloquent or too stupid to bring before my father. who am i to get caught up in a feeling, whether post-modern-marcel says they are valid or not. if how i perceive something is a lie, that makes it invalid, marcel. even if i don't feel strong enough to come near my father, which is certainly simply satan, i will not run away.

father. i just want healing. i don't know, after everything i've heard, if i'm justified in asking for that or not, but its what i want. as far as i can see, it's what we need. there is so much hurt. there are scars that wont leave. we've made a mess of everything; we've made a mess of each other. we're nothing to look at and i'm not eloquent but i'm asking that none of that matter.. just for healing. just for truth. we want you, even if we don't know how to get there or where to go or what to do. or anything. i don't want a quickfix for all of the world's problems, but the people that are close to me hurt. i hurt. this shouldn't be here. and ignoring it or acting happy long enough that we believe ourselves is not changing anything. I'm not asking for this just because i can't handle pain. i understand for what pain is necessary, but this has turned bloody and eternal. it seems too big, and everything i know is telling me that it's too big.. to think about, to talk about, to ask about, to pray about. i don't know if you're hearing this.. it doesn't feel like you're hearing this. but that could be a lie. which i hope it is. i know there is hope somewhere, because i am living and you have been here. i don't think you left, at least. my heart is a big quiet mess.

death couldn't hold you down.