i guess its up to me to find a way to get to you.

well. i dont have words to properly express the feeling most prevalant in me.
i dont know. i'm not sure really why i go to youth every week.
well.
i go to hang out with a few people who i definitely dont see enough, and for the music-worship. (because when you're pumping worship music out of yourself every other day for hours and its a challenge a lot of the time.. its just good to sing to a guitar and not worry about how you sound.) but these weeks, i find myself coming in each wednesday, entering conversation somewhere between happiness and trying to find energy to make (sometimes) meaningless conversation, or sadness and trying to find energy for the same conversations.

(i got kicked off the computer here acouple nights ago.
i'll continue.)

basically, nothing is coming of it. youth is nearly as hard as everydaylife. shouldnt it be safe? not safe like, i'm comfortable crying there, safe like, i know i'm surrounded by people who care about me and who i care about and there we can be challenged and strengthened?

youth used to be like, a quick high where i could get caught up in bass vibrations and cute boys. i definitely did meet jesus there, but i didnt feel like i could, or thought i couldnt feel him that evidently without the mix of thundering worship and feeling overwhelmed, because this was something i was so not used to, and so far from my every day situation.
i'm not saying what i felt there wasnt real.. but it was like i never tried or wanted to worship or learn or be pushed or anything outside of youth.. because i could nearly die at school on wednesday, pull myself through the front door of the church that night, get my quick fix again, and then go to school thursday to get a bit worse, and a bit worse, until the next wednesday, and weeks would repeat this way, and i didnt even realize it wasnt good.

i dont want that again. but i dont want this either.
i know its better than some places.. like i go to northside to hang out with joel, andrew and ian. seriously.
northside is very game-oriented. and i havent heard their youth pastor go much deeper than "you should read your bible". (keeping in mind.. i havent gone too many times, and i missed their once-a-month small group sesh last month)

i just hope that kristie's idea is really brilliant, and considering the amount of excitement talking about it brought.. im not too worried.